Enlightened Choices Newsletter for Women's Trauma Issues - From WIIT - The Women's Institute for Incorporation Therapy - Offering women's treatment programs for acute symptoms of psychological trauma including depression, bipolar, borderline personality, child abuse, sex abuse, trauma, survivor, dissociative disorder, PTSD, multiple personality, D.I.D., ritual abuse, incest and other trauma issues.

American Heritage Dictionary:

Thankfulness: grateful: expressive of thanks

Grateful: appreciative of benefits received: thankful; expressing gratitude; affording pleasure /comfort; agreeable; satisfying

Sometimes it's so very hard to be thankful for the meager morsels we appear to receive. You ask, "Should I be thankful for the horrors of the past? Should I be thankful for the abusive relationships I continually find myself in? Should I be thankful for a future that I don't expect, or think I deserve, to be better than the past?"

There is a paradox in the strength that is birthed through adversity, the fulfillment achieved through knowing you have made a difference in someone else's life by sharing of your own tragedy. There is growth in looking back over the past to see what is to be gained from the losses, from looking at how far you have traveled despite the odds.

There is no solitude in thinking someone else's pain was even worse. Nor is there peace in taking pride in believing that no one else's history is as shocking as yours.

You may choose to stop the cycle of staying stuck in time and continually returning to the past with the hope of changing it. This requires grieving the lost childhood, the hopes and dreams that the abuser(s) will change and love you the way you not only want, but believe you need, them to. Grieving is the only way to make room for growth and maturity. You say, "But I don't want to grow up. Adulthood means taking responsibility. making changes. and no one likes change. Becoming an adult means becoming like my abuser." However, as Thomas Moore says in Care of the Soul, "If age is denied, soul becomes lost in an inappropriate clinging to youth."

Grieving the losses and accepting maturity means betraying loyalty to the abuser(s) who taught you to believe you deserved nothing but pain—that anything you hoped for or cared about should and would be taken away from you or used against you. It requires recognizing the lies and embracing loyalty to Self. It means recognizing that being an adult is not synonymous with being an abuser. Accepting maturity means turning away from the past, a necessary process for facing the future. And turning away from ANYTHING means going through the grieving process.

One must FEEL the Sadness and learn that to FEEL is not synonymous with to DIE.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (On Death and Dying) talks about five stages of grief: Denial and isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance—followed by Hope. To embrace thankfulness, one must work through the Denial that the past happened, stop displacing and/or denying the Anger about trauma, stop Bargaining with self and a Higher Power in attempt to change the past and the abuser(s). One must FEEL the Sadness and learn that to FEEL is not synonymous with to DIE. Until finally Acceptance begins to seep in and with it THANKFULNESS that one possessed the necessary skills to LIVE, to become strong.

Turn the many strengths and talents born through adversity away from holding onto the past and towards reaching for the future. Believe the same strengths and talents that enabled you to survive the past will enable you to LIVE in the future.

The difference between clinging to pain and completing the grieving process to Acceptance and Hope is not only attitude, it is action. It is not enough to put on a smiling face. One must take many risks and step forward. One must plow through the Abuser Values and irrational fears, the hanging onto old patterns. One must plow through the belief that one can change the past or that one cannot change the future.

The Hope lies in being thankful for the crop, then taking the crop to market. The Hope lies in being thankful for the strength and creativity, the ability to retain the beauty and goodness of Self, then sharing that beauty and goodness with others as well as with Self. The hope lies in being thankful for the opportunity to break the old cycle, then accepting the healing of the Soul.

The Challenge: Relationship with Self

Due to our limited experience in recovery, we find ourselves wondering if we are doing "it the right way." During the process of learning, we hit plateaus where the growth seems to stop. We have to consider the fact that our recovery is a challenge and not a sentence. We worked for it. We committed to entering into a relationship with our self. We had hoped for it for so long that when the time came, we did not care or stop to consider the responsibilities and/or ramifications. When we committed to this process we embarked on a new journey to do something we were never allowed to do, "like ourselves."

The incorporation process allowed us the opportunity to regain our control through rescuing, accepting and forgiving of the self that we had to leave during those horrible times. Once it was done, then the hard work began. We just can't make promises and then walk away or ignore what we just did. This relationship can not be viewed as an automatic occurrence or a one time affair.

Yes it is true that as the relationship grows and trust blooms, we learn more new information about our past. Some of the new information we never wanted to know, The healthier we become the more information we will receive as the information is removed from our sacred storage site and filed into our normal memory banks. Rather than focusing on our success, we stop our efforts in the relationship and feel as though we must be doing something wrong.

It is how we react to these new discoveries that sets the tone for our continued recovery. If we attempt to deny or avoid the new information, we fall back into our old addictive ways. In denying the information, we deny the relationship and replicate the feelings of rejection and abandonment that drove us into that downward spiral which separated us initially. This denial causes cracks in our faith and doubt seeps in. We question our thoughts, actions and feelings. We again focus on external validation of ourselves and the emptiness returns. Disappointed and hurt, our connection with ourselves begins to fade. The old cycle of blaming resumes and we focus on our failure to "get better over night." A relationship is not measured on speed or amount of past information.

First you are traumatized, then you are victimized, and suddenly you find yourself falling and drowning in self-blame. And then comes the BIG step —

You fall into the black hole, which is called SHAME.
B You take one step forward and five back.
And then you feel the shame.
You think about your past.
Flashbacks come back to haunt you. And then you feel the shame.
You find out what you really are,
A mental case caused by abuse.
And then you feel the shame.
You try to starve yourself to death
and then you have a bite of cracker. And then you feel the shame.
You never learned to say "No", so you do lots of things you're not
comfortable with.
And then you feel the shame.
Your partner says he/she loves you
and wants to show you through sex. And then you feel the shame.
You never knew you were allowed to have needs, so what do you do now? And then you feel the shame.
You ask to have your needs met,
once you finally find what they are. And then you feel the shame.
You hear others whisper about how different you are.
And then you feel the shame.
It takes many years and a lot of
strength to dance the shame away,
But, one day, after the dance is over,
You've learned about you,
You've learned about them,

And then you dance the dance of
JOY.

Perhaps the most insidious trap, the one we are least likely to be aware of, is our expectation that once I've begun recovery life will be--- Fair? Comfortable? Easy? The way it "should" be? People will treat me differently? I will feel better, I won't ever feel helpless, frustrated, alone, defeated or depressed again. My boss, parents, husband, will finally behave the way they "should."

Substantively, the only thing that changes in your recovery is you.

..you are not the problem, nor are you their problem. You are not God's one mistake.

Remember, you are the one who's been doing all the work. Your boss, parents, husband, etc. have been moving right along the way they always have. Unfortunately, not only they, but you, thought you were the problem. Therefore, the changes you make in yourself should fix everything. The only thing the changes in yourself will fix is you! You can begin to see things differently, make better decisions, take more affirmative actions and so on. Very often the people you hope will be glad, are not. You were the problem before, and you're still the problem. As far as they are concerned you're still not who you should be, and you're still not behaving exactly the way that they want. This conflict is going to cause you confusion and self doubt. The negative emotions you thought were gone forever will flood back. Without proper support, relapse will probably occur.

What is proper support? A good therapist that has appropriate group therapy in his/her office and involvement in the appropriate 12 step program is the best combination. Avoid the exclusive use of one to one therapy. It's better than nothing, but it's still "individual." We do not live in isolation, and so we can not recover in isolation.

"I don't need support, I can handle this myself." Wrong! Remember, you, too, have always believed that you were the problem. You are certainly your problem. But you are not the problem, nor are you their problem. You are not God's one mistake. That is a very arrogant view of self. None of us is that big a deal. Other people do not get up in the morning thinking about me and whether or not I will ruin their day. If they do, then I recommend treatment, they could use it. Your task is to get the support you need so that you can reach the point where you understand that you are:

Good and lovable
Worthwhile and Unique
That your lob on earth is to live your life according to the light that is given to you
You were not put here to behave as someone else wants, needs, nor is your job to save anyone. That has already been taken care of.

Finally, bad things happen to good people. Good things sometimes happen to bad people. At some point in time a tragedy of some sort will impinge on your life. There may be long periods where nothing seems to happen one way or the other. That's when we get into "what's it all about." The point is that life is simply life. You can think all the positive thoughts you want. People you love will still get sick and die. The guy next door who's never had a kind thought in his life will still win at the race track.

What should I expect from my recovery? That life will happen to me. That I will feel my emotions while my life is going on and share them with people I love. That in all circumstances I will continue to perceive what is really going on around me. I will make decisions and take actions that consider others but are in my best interest.

Childcare Funding, Clearwater
For assistance in providing childcare for your children if you live in Clearwater, contact:

    St. Gerard Foundation
    3041 Braeloch Circle East
    Clearwater, FL 34021-2708

This service assists those within the Roman Catholic, United Methodist or Salvation Army Churches. It doesn't state that they won't help anyone else though. Contact person is Elizabeth Mooney, V.P.

Some Helpful Numbers: Gainesville Area

    Alachula Public Health Unit: 336-2364
    United Way Info and Referral: 375-4626
    Human Assistance Network Direction Service: (904) 253-0564

I am keeping a master list of resources which we will publish once or twice a year in it's entirety within the newsletter. However, if you are in need and cannot wait, just send a self-addressed, stamped, legal envelope to:

    Newsletter Resource Info
    6828 Swain Ave
    Tampa, FL 33625

I'll get them right out to you.

Laughing, screaming in a house
What are you doing?
On the floor, rolling about
A heart so sad and broken
In the night when stars are out.
Greyness consumes me.

Okay, you have worked hard in the WIlT program and gathered the courage to walk back through those double doors into your life. You are now ready to begin your life. But wait! Nothing has changed. The family is the same. Your significant other is the same. The children are the same. The friends are the same. What now?

This question is asked by most WIlT patients as they return home. The difficulty in rejoining your family, friends, work can cause you to question your wellness. Most likely they have not been in therapy and certainly not in the same intense program you have. Their expectations may be high or they may be hesitant about accepting any changes in you. They may expect that you have been "cured" and don't understand the work you have begun. Or, the strength and changes you have gained may frighten them and they may act to regain the status quo in your relationship with them.

Your work in WIlT has prepared you to face the challenges and introduced you to new skills, if you are willing to put them into place. Practicing these skills will help you to continue your growth. There are specific things you can do for yourself to enable you to put these skills in place. First, return to outpatient therapy as soon as possible. Your therapist can help you explore and identify the options you have in your daily life. The therapy sessions can also be used to make decisions and develop the skills to carry out those decisions as well as to continue to work with the ways the past interferes with your life in the present. Remember, your goals have to do with living your life now and not reliving the past today.

Second, your aftercare workbook can be an essential tool in coping with the people and events in your daily life. Surprisingly, not everyone is going to affirm you so you must take over that job yourself, looking internally for who you are, not externally. The affirmations can help you accomplish this but only if you do them. Journaling can help you in reviewing your life on a daily basis and identifying what worked and what needs adjusting, what skills were effective, and what new skills you may need to develop as you deal with the many people and situations in your life.

As you live and grow you will notice you will continue to feel that the definitions, values, and boundaries you have always lived by do not seem to fit or are not as comfortable as they have been. Working both alone and in therapy to redefine the many concepts and issues associated with these areas will help you to identify those beliefs that were imposed on you and how to change them and make them your own. The environmental cues are present in most interactions and often are strong enough to result in your self doubt. Unless you are working on that new self concept minute by minute, day by day. The redefinition of your basic beliefs and values will enable you to build a new self concept and allow you to remain loyal to self.

As you rejoin others, you will find those that support you in your work and those that are confused and fearful of the changes you are trying to make. You have a choice as to how you cope with these issues. Hopefully you will remain loyal to self. And hopefully, you will surround yourself with an environment that is supportive and with people that love you and allow you to love your self fully.

So your mission, it you choose to accept it is to build on your loyalty to self, to continue to learn about self, and to set and keep healthy, safe and firm boundaries in life and to PRACTICE, PRACTICE, and PRACTICE SOME MORE.

As I was preparing to leave the hospital I was so psyched up about going home and taking on the world with all my new skills. I had talked to my therapist at home, several times, and she was just as excited as I was. After all the different programs I had been in this one was really making a difference in my life. My therapist was excited that I was so much stronger coming out of the hospital than I had ever been before. Life was going to be great.

Reality hit after I had been home for about two days and started setting some boundaries with my family. They didn't like the new me and there were lots of comments. I probably would have just given up if it were not for the support of my therapist. Whenever I got discouraged she was always there to show me how many things I was continually changing in my life for the better and how much stronger I was growing.

I spoke with several of the people I had met in the hospital and was saddened for them because of the lack of support they had from their outpatient therapists. My therapist had read all of the assignments I had written in the program and learned valuable information about me and my system, things she probably never would have learned otherwise. She had little knowledge of the Incorporation process before I attended the program but she has never been afraid to ask questions or defer my treatment to someone with more knowledge on a temporary basis. I guess the neatest thing she has ever done is allow me to educate her about the program and what I learned there. Who better to explain the inner workings of my dome than those of us that live there.

The support, encouragement and strength I have received from my therapist have allowed my confidence in myself to continually grow. She has helped me learn to pace myself in therapy as I process memories and events from my past. I no longer have this great need to be in constant crisis and have discovered that "normal" life, even boredom, are quite nice.

Having a supportive therapist at home has allowed me to continue the work that I started in the program. It doesn't mean there haven't been ups and downs or that I haven't been back to the program, but I've been steadily growing stronger. I've made some real changes in my life and I'm beginning to be able to see them for myself. I've made choices to change how I handle difficult times of the year. This past Halloween I went to visit a friend in another city. It was a rough time of year for both of us but we were both able to begin replacing the negative memories of the past with positive ones from the present. It was great to be able to do that and succeed. Even when a sad event took place at home during this time I was able to handle it in an appropriate way. As I sat in my therapist's office the other day it was so nice to hear her tell me that two years ago I would have been hysterical about what I had just told her and I have grown so much that I'm able to handle things appropriately now.

It has been SO important in my recovery to have a therapist who has confidence in herself and her abilities, but is also interested in learning about what I have risked everything for. This was a venture that we went in to together in the beginning and we both have a commitment to each other in this. Mine is not to give up on myself and hers is not to give up on me. My wish for all of you reading this is that you have a therapist who is interested in what is working for you and will not be threatened by new ideas and ways of doing things. Even though my therapist hasn't always had the knowledge to help me, I've never worried about it because I know she'll ask until she gets it. Even if they decide it would be better for me to go see someone else for a couple of visits to work through something going on in my dome, I've never worried. I know she'll be there when I come back and she'll never resent my going. She'll just be eager to learn what we did to fix the problem, for next time.

Well,we've made it to the second issue. I sincerely hope that everyone was able to pull at least one helpful tidbit out of the last issue. I want to thank those of you who have taken the time to contact me with comments about the newsletter. I also want to thank all of you who submitted articles for the newsletter and encourage everyone else to think about doing one.

I have had several people contact me and ask permission to share the newsletter with other people who are not on the mailing list: therapists; friends; family; clergy; etc. My answer is a resounding YES! PLEASE. The more people in our lives we can educate about multiplicity and dissociative disorders and how we're working to help ourselves, the more support we're going to find out there. It has been my personal experience that when people don't have knowledge about multiplicity they get fearful and their imaginations run wild. Once they have some education, the fear goes away and they can see what a truly magnificent gift we possess and how special each of us is.

I would like to wish everyone the best of holidays and hope that a new peace and contentment enter their souls with the coming of the new year.

Submissions can be sent to:

    Newsletter
    6828 Swain Ave
    Tampa, FL 33625

The deadline for the next issue is February 1. The theme is going to be creating and maintaining health in our relationships. I'm still looking for any info on resources in Florida, housing, childcare, healthcare, etc. THANKS!!!!!

Acceptance. This is what must take place before any recovery can take place on any issue. There are no exceptions here. Simply, how can we possibly deal with an issue we deny is there? The answer is simple - we cannot. This can be tough since denial is one of the roots of dissociative disorders. The traumas we have experienced are so powerful that we were unable to cope with them, so we denied them through dissociation. Often, we continue to do this by not owning some of our actions. Take a look at the following scenario:

Shan, a dominant personality, goes to a therapy session where she is confronted by her therapist about some inappropriate behavior. She is quick to respond that she did not create the situation and therefore is not responsible. After all, it was Billie's fault (another personality), she explains. He WAS the one who started it all. Sound familiar? Most multiples, if not all, have done this.

Here, basic responsibility is denied. The dissociation is used as an agent to validate the denial. however, the bottom line for multiples is that all of our parts must be responsible for all the other parts because we are all one. It has to be "One for all and all for one" to be able to work the most effective recovery. After all, if Billie killed or even beat up someone - everybody in the system would go to jail. Though many actions cannot be recalled since they were done in a state of dissociation, to ACCEPT that all our parts are one and to take responsibility for all our actions is a crucial factor in recovery.

Look at this example: If all our parts are sober but one part decides to get drunk everyday, how can the rest of us possibly have enough presence of mind to work on recovery? We cannot. It is simple to see that the actions of the one part affect the whole system. Blame shifting to various personalities can be dangerous. Unity of the parts can be beneficial however. Even if not all the parts are united, an attitude of unity on the part of even one part can still affect the others. let me explain:

There are no BAD parts in a multiple's system of personalities. After all, every part which was created, was created to ensure the survival of the whole. Some parts may seem bad because they act out harmful behaviors, but they only do so because it was the only way these parts were taught to cope. In essence, the behavior can be bad, but the part itself is still a survivor and is survival oriented. Once we ACCEPT this reality, we can see how an attitude of acceptance and how expecting good things can 'trickle' and resonate through our whole systems.

If we choose to keep blaming that part for that problem and this part for this problem, no re-education takes place. Rather, these parts will most likely keep acting that way. But, returning to our previous example, if Billie does something harmful and Shan ACCEPTS responsibility for this - Billie will be affected. Shan is likely to be troubled by the harmful behavior Billie may have acted out, there may be unpleasant consequences Shan will have to deal with. Through this, Billie will start to see that his behavior is hurting his own -the others in his system. He will see that the ones he has endured for in survival are now being hurt by his actions. Remember, Billie is not bad - his actions are. Billie is a survivor in a system of personalities created to protect the greater whole. Therefore when these emotions Shan is feeling 'echo' or resonate to Billie - he will likely be bothered enough to re.evaluate his actions.

So we can see how ACCEPTING ourselves as a part of the greater whole and ACCEPTING responsibility for the greater whole can benefit our recovery process. Let us not forget however that recovery is a process. This means we will make errors in the way, leave room for these and learn from them. It also means that just because we have accepted ourselves as being one in a "whole of many", this does not mean we will not struggle with it again. Sometimes we have to accept the same thing several times over before it truly becomes a part of us. This is ok too.

In parting, let me share that a great tool in acceptance work is the mirror. Try looking in the mirror, directly into your own eyes (not looking away) and saying five times in a row - 'We are one. All of us are a part of the greater whole of _______(Name of Host). We worked as one to survive and we work as one to recover. We are all responsible for all of us. Do this morning and night several days. You may find that as you say it more, it will become familiar to you and accepting it will become easier. You are also likely to find that other parts usually listen in and they'll catch on too! Remember, if only ONE part is willing to work on recovery, for the multiple, recovery can continue!

And remember - What happened to us was not our fault, but our recovery is our responsibility.

The author is a recovering alcoholic, drug addict, bulimic, anorexic, co-dependent, addict to misery, survivor of incest and ritual abuse LIVING with Multiple Personality Gift. She believes that growth is a lifetime process which never stops unless we do. She is also studying to become a social worker and use her experience to help others who suffer from that which she is in recovery for.

It is amazing to me that I don't have anyone in my life abusing me today, except me. It is amazing for two reasons: first of all, I have always lived in an environment of fear and abuse. I can't believe I have successfully separated myself from my family and other abusive relationships. The second reason is that I am the one continuing to abuse myself. How come when others stopped abusing me, I didn't stop abusing me?

I've prayed and prayed that God would just change the negative tapes in my head that keep going around and around. Instead, I was given the opportunity to see that my life and myself free of self-abuse. I was on a wonderful 15-day vacation in the Pacific Northwest of the United States. During this vacation there were times when I was at peace then... the negative tapes would start up. At one point I could physically feel my anxiety mount to the point of suicidal thoughts in a matter of 30 seconds. It was a powerful revelation - there was a palpable difference which took place inside of me from one second to the next.

So here it is about 2 weeks later and guess what? I found myself ridiculously and whole-heartedly letting the tapes play over and over and over again. I was wishing for a vacuum cleaner that would just pull these thoughts out of my head. Instead what I heard in my head was, 'just say no." I've had this thought before, to 'just say no," but I didn't follow through because I was afraid something would "happen." (This is a familiar pattern for me.) The thought that "something might happen" has kept me stuck in my house, stuck in isolation, stuck in addictions and just plain stuck in my life. What would happen if I just said no? I might smile, I might laugh, I might open up to others, I might begin living a loving life full of loving people and experiences. Oh, what a thought!

So, in honor of Enlightened Choices, and in honor of myself and my little girl, I will just say no to negative thoughts and negative tapes.

- MJR, Long Island, NY