Enlightened Choices Newsletter for Women's Trauma Issues - From WIIT - The Women's Institute for Incorporation Therapy - Offering women's treatment programs for acute symptoms of psychological trauma including depression, bipolar, borderline personality, child abuse, sex abuse, trauma, survivor, dissociative disorder, PTSD, multiple personality, D.I.D., ritual abuse, incest and other trauma issues.

It never ceases to amaze me, how much I am taught on the issue of loyalty by the woulnded that deal with their pain, hurt and terror every day. Even with all of the advances made in the treatment of dissociative and dissociative identity disorders, the profession has been unable to solve the core problem that stops survivors of childhood abuse on their road to recovery. This core problem is the loyalty.

My search to investigate this elusive factor always directs me back to the basics. Inherent in every human, especially in children, is the need for attachment to their caretakers in order to survive. In normal development, separation from this need for attachment to caretakers is a task that occurs in later stages of development. Since abuse stunts maturity at the age of the first traumatic event, the need from this type of attachment remains a primary issue.

My years of experience with this population has demonstrated so clearly that no matter how much education and skill a survivor acquires on the process and mechanics of abuse, recovery remains evasive and the loyalty to the perpetrator stays intact.

How does this happen? Why does the survivor stay loyal to the perpetrator and the perpetrators forced values, addictions, threats and secrets? The fundamental force behind loyalty originates from the second phase of the mind control process. The objective of this intellectual indoctrination phase is to instill a new set of principles, doctrines, beliefs, behaviors and values into the subject. The indoctrination takes place after mental and physical fatigue had been achieved in the first phase. Fear, anxiety and conflict is created in the environment to produce and stimulate tension. Research has demonstrated that under a constant state of tension (real or perceived) and at a certain point, which is different in every human, the subject displays an increased degree of "suggestibility". Old thought patterns, perceptions, values, behaviors and beliefs are disrupted and indoctrination occurs.

The important result from the research on this process is that intellectual indoctrination without emotional attachment was remarkably ineffective. This indoctrination phase encountered less resistance mentally and emotionally the younger the subject.

One thing that is widely known is that in households where abuse, incest or domestic violence is present, the atmosphere is full of fear, seriousness, secrecy, anxiety and conflict. Tension is a constant factor and family is based on loyalty and attachment.

Therefore the survivor who is attempting to resolve their loyalty issue should be aware that loyalty exists on two levels.

Level one loyalty is driven by a set of distorted principles, doctrines, beliefs, behaviors and values instilled by the perpetrator, which produces distorted perceptions. The one thing that remains clear on this level is the punishment for betrayal.
Level two loyalty is driven by a biological need for attachment. This is an innate and natural need. A feeling of aloneness, guilt and abandonment would overwhelm the survivor without this level.

Both levels should be initially processed independently. Counseling can assist the survivor in decreasing the "all or nothing thinking" which is a common mode of thinking.

To assist in this evaluation process the perpetrator should be viewed as having two parts. One part is the "sick part" which adheres to the level one loyalty. It is this part which must be resolved and separated from.

The second part is the "love part" that adheres to level two loyalty. This part can be kept because no one wants to be an orphan and know that it was their responsibility for the making of the decision to become that way.

This issue of loyalty is a clinical factor that can stop successful recovery at any point in the process. Resolution takes hard work but completion can free the survivor to re-establish loyalty to self while retaining attachment from a healthy viewpoint.

From the depths of my mind
Do I emerge,
Uncertainty, fear, all entwined,
Dare not surge,
For the darkness never far behind,
All that lingers, the urge,
Be not so kind,
Unknown to anyone, the urge
Destruction only known to "my kind"

My life, shades of gray,
bits of color, blackness.
Shades of gray, daily living
bits of color, a baby's smile giving.
Alas the blackness comes; grieved.
Grieved, blackness, forever in the pit?
Don't worry, it will quit!
Shades of gray, bits of color, blackness.

My Mother's parents,
my Granny and Grampa
taught me to stand up in all righteous
and good things in the name
of the Family.

My Father's parents,
my Nana and Grady,
taught me to love her as I love him,
and to love him as I love her,
and to love in myself.

O Lord, Forgive

My Mother has taught me
hatefulness and bitterness.

O Lord, Forgive

My Father has taught me to fall out of love with those closest to me.

My Lord has taught me to forgive
and to die for the sins of a mother
and father, who were not listening to eithermother or father,
not even to the Lord

O Lord, Forgive

I said, "Tell him." You said, "No,
I know him better than you.
That food is for a family so I know
forgiveness is there, unless you lie
again, there are no more secrets."

It has been two years since my
father told me what he thought of me.
Years since Mother.

Were they right?
I was truthful with God ,
So these words are also Truthful

There have been numerous times since I left WIIT that I've found myself alone when I believed I desperately needed someones help. When WIIT is unavailable, for reasons for insurance or distance. Therapists are away. Friends are "unavailable", either in real terms or emotionally. I am alone. Or am I?

I have discovered that the people who really care about me and have been there for me in times when I really needed them, are with me all the time. They are human and wrestle with challenges of their own so they may not always be available as I (or they) wish they could.

Moreover, I am an adult and a WIIT graduate so I have the tools to get my needs met. For that reason, I am no longer in a place where I can be truly abandoned. I may feel abandoned as things change and life goes on.....support people may not be available as I perseive they ought to be.

However, I have a very special gift which allows me access to a wealth of support whenever I may want or need it. That gift is memory.

In times of crisis or need, I can choose to remember things a person said or did that were helpful and encouraging for me. Kind of an induced, positive flashback! If things are really bad I can take these positive memories and "input" them into "my" obsessive-compulsive loop (That loop is usually the reason for an event becoming a crisis in the first place). After allowing all those positive, support filled memories to loop around for an hour, or a day, or more, if need be, I find myself connected with faith, hope and possibility rather than doubt and despair. Why? Probably because it wasn't the person him/herself who made the difference in the first place. It was that they shared their faith, hope and ability to see options and possibilities, which supported me in changing my perspective in any given situation.

Furthermore, I've discovered that often I did not "get" something a support person said to me at the time that they said it...But when I allow those things to arise into my consciousness days, weeks, months and yes, even years later,I suddenly "get it". I am enlightened. I pat myself on the back for having yet another insight and I go on with life, the journey of learning through endless challenges placed before me.

I began this process of "using" memory after sustaining eleven broken bones and other injuries in a severe car accident which left me in a hospital bed for over four months. The pain seemed endless, the days long, the hope of full recovery shaky; but the memories kept me going at a time when I was confined, terrified and most often alone.

I am now gratefully recovered from that trauma and I continue to use my gift of memory when I feel abandoned or alone.

My memory strategy cannot replace the direct contact and support of people and organizations which constitute my "recovery network." But it gets me through times (sometimes hours, sometimes weeks or months) when, for reasons beyond my control, "they" are unavailable. AND sometimes I doscover that the lessons those memories contain provide me with what I need to resolve the problem at hand "on my own."

It is wonderful to know that I can carry so much love and support within me to remind myself I am never alone.

In the Business world comes new innovations, new prospects for a brighter world. Success unlimited to the minds expansion of universal communication. So do not think, that what little you put into our daily lives is not important, with that amount added to what another might teach is how this world seems to revolve, so, do not stop, because, I am proof (each of ourselves) that this system works. This world is brighter than yesterday and will be even brighter tomorrow.

Well, I know some of you may be wondering if the newsletter was a thing of the past since it has been some months since it last went out. It's still here. I do apologize for the disruption, but there were many factors involved which could not be avoided or foreseen. We're back on track now and things should get back to their regular, bimonthly status.

I do hope that everyone survived the holidays and is having a wonderful new year. Speaking for myself, mine were wonderful and very white. Actually, almost a little too white for my tastes. Living in the South, one forgets exactly HOW cold snow really is. The holidays are over now though and it's back to the daily grind, getting through every day and working hard to stay healthy.

I do also need to take this chance to apologize to a few of the contributors to the last newsletter. Kathy Lembo, who finally wrote an article titled "Reflections," did not get credit for it because her name got chopped off the title. Also, Stardust's and Sister Girl's poems weren't printed in their entirety. Chalk this up to a lesson learned about compressing and e-mailing files between computers with different versions of the same program. Also, about proofreading files you've received before printing them out and taking them to the printers. In any case, it wasn't intentional at all and I do, once again apologize. I am including both Stardust's poem (this page) and Sister Girl's poem (next page) in their entirety.

I am going to put my plea in again for any writings that anyone would like to contribute to EC. We can use all we can get. I did have a supply of them, in waiting for future issues, but I have used up a great deal of them within this issue. Also, black and white drawings are a wonderful addition. To save your drawings, you can always photocopy them and just send the copy. If that is not an option, just send a stamped, self-addressed envelope along with the drawing and I'll return it to you once I scan it into the computer.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you who have sent me such supportive letters about EC and how much it has helped you. It is so nice to hear that this newsletter has helped people as much as it helps me to put it all together. There are times that I have felt very selfish because I get so much out of doing it and out of the poems and articles that are written. It's encouraging to know that it helps others as well. It's also been a motivating force for this issue, because my life has been so complicated of late, I found myself putting it off and not getting things done as quickly as I would have liked.

I am just a whisper from the galaxy.
Eminently trivial, in this vast universe.
Yet, my light grows strong.
Of all of the meteors and asteroids,
that whiz by or attempt to chip away...
or drown the light...
I stand strong.
The light may not shine as bright some days,
Yet, I will never give up.
I may be a whisper in the galaxy, compared to
the other stars, I may not shine as bright or be
as beautiful as others...
I have the right to shine.
I have the right to exist.

What happens to a child
when she hears her mother
telling her best friend
what a miserable child she
has, over again?

What happens to a young
teenager when she has
to choose between her
parents and can't, her most
impressionable years.

What happens when she turns
to drugs in search of
reasons why, and hears no
explanation or response?

What happens to that teenager,
when she becomes pregnant,
and was turned away by her
family - Still impressionable
about her beliefs?

I think many of these would
be a part of her character,
something she would carry
around forever.

Now, she, at the age of 20 would
probably eat at her soul
until she dies. Never again
to feel the Hurt, Anguish,
and last, Despair.

Please tell me what happened to her.

This is a story for the little ones inside all of us who hurt so deeply and so desperately want hope and comfort:

A long time ago, in a place full of beauty and fairy children, there lived a very special unicorn named Lily. Lily was a lovely shade of purple and she was special because she was the last unicorn in the village - or anywhere else. She was very lonely and sad, for she had no one to share her life with and she had no reason to smile. She lived deep in the forest where no one dared to go because all her friends and family had been hunted and killed. Sometimes, when she was feeling especially sad, she would think of her family and friends and want to venture out where the hunters hid and be hunted herself. She thought of no good reason to continue in her misery. But just as she was about to attempt her plan, a funny thing happened. She heard a cry in the midnight darkness. She knew it was not the sound of the usual forest creatures, but that of....a human? As long as she had lived in the forest, no one from the village had come to this place - but she was sure...another cry. She went to hide behind a tree to see what had violated her territory - to find whether she should fight or run away. For once in her life she was truly surprised. For one of the fairy children from the village had gotten lost in the forest and she was very frightened of the darkness. The kind and gentle unicorn peeked out from behind the tree and a tear trickled down her cheek because she knew how it felt to be lost, alone and very frightened. The tiny fairy child sat on a log and had her head in her hands and was crying. Lily went over to comfort the child, so she ever-so-gently rubbed her cheek against the fairy and to her surprise, the little one was not frightened by her. As Lily looked into the fairy's eyes, she saw a part of herself - there was no sparkle there, which saddened Lily even more. No words were exchanged between the two, but they knew another's pain, which is all that mattered. The unicorn soon found that the little child had no voice - it had been taken away from her and she was unable to tell by whom. The unicorn was so sad for the little fairy, she was so tiny and helpless. As the days went by, their friendship grew and for the first time in a long while, they both learned to smile again - and, more importantly, they learned to trust. But the unicorn knew it must soon come to an end and the fairy child would have to return to her family in the village. Lily realized there was more to the child's fear - something in the village kept her away. She convinced the child to ride in to the village. She believed the child's family and friends missed her and were worried about her against the child's thoughts of not being missed. The unicorn promised the fairy not to leave her there against her wishes. The child shook and shivered all the way through the forest on the way to the village - she was so frightened. The fairy child never spoke and never let Lily know anything of her home. It seemed she had no home. When they reached the village, the child cried harder and harder. The unicorn realized the little fairy could not return to where she came from, something haunted the child from this place and the unicorn had come to love the little child. Once the tiny fairy realized whe would not be left there, she took Lily to her friends. Lily was saddened by what she saw - no families - only little child fairies - vulnerable, but yet quite independent considering their young ages. Seeing them, the child seemed to brighten. No more big people to hurt her OR her friends. It didn't matter what happened to the big people, only that the past was forever gone and it was a new beginning for the fairy children. A new chance to be happy and to smile. Forever the children were happy and played with Lily. The village became a place for only sad children who were sad and hurt and the unicorn became the one to care for the little fairies. So the village became safety for many unhappy fairies and became known as "Lily's Wonderland for Fairies." Lily and her special little child fairy helped many other child fairies learn to laugh, play and smile.

"If we lock away the fearful, painful experiences of our lives - the death of a loved one, a betrayal, or a passion that is not approved by society - we cut them off from their natural cycling. They are not washed by our tears. They are not exposed to the warmth of our hearts or the light of our consciousness. And so these old emotions and memories cannot break down to become sources of new life. Rather they lie in wait like the Furies in Pandora's Box. And that is indeed dangerous. Not because something has been unlocked, as the story claims, but because it has been locked away."
- Sherry Ruth Anderson & Patricia Hopkins, The Feminine Face of God (p.80)

"There is a strong belief that if I can figure things out, everything will be all right, and I will be all right. Figuring things out almost always involves both obsessive thinking patterns and a kind of grandiosity - the belief that it is possible to make sense out of confusion, even when the confusion is the norm."
- Ann Wilson Schaef, Codependence (p.84)

"I've found that the best activism, the most radical propaganda, and the most profound effect I can have is to live my life with integrity, honor and honesty."
- Tatiana de le Tierra

Connected to feelings we have about our child side. Being creative involves spontaneity and imaginativeness. Most of us have memories of being helpless and vulnerable when we were little, not only by our size but by our dependency. For most of us, we have suppressed those memories, but every time we enter a creative frame of mind we feel anxious and somewhat immobilized. We long to be like a child again and yet we have a tremendous distrust of expressing this side. Though we were small children, we became used to the sounds of our parents voices, the sound of authority that goes on in our head every time we take a risk to express our creativity as a child. The invisible parent holding court in our brain. We ask, "Can I do it? I promise you I'll be good. Will you let me do it again? Do you approve of me? Do you like it?" Our parents were in control.

To be a child meant not to be in control, to be out of control, to lose control, or to have to learn control. Being creative is letting go of what's inside. To imagine the child in the creative act brings up ghosts of the past; in deciding to let go and release the child side, we cringe with anxiety. If we make a blotch, we have just made a mistake, we made a fool out of ourselves in public. At some point most of us decide to keep the child put away rather than lose control and be embarrassed. Instead of appreciating it's lovable qualities, we mistrust it.

Being a child also meant being victimized beyond our control. If prior to this experience we felt defenseless, now we were stripped of dignity. Because we were children lacking reasoning skills, we've become used to the wear and tear of our daily interaction with them. We didn't think to ask whether the treatment we got was appropriate. We had to adjust to what ever grown-ups did, where ever they did it, to survive. In all aspects we reframe our attitude toward what it means to be like a child again. In one swoop we decide to leave the joys of childhood behind along with the pain. In our hearts and minds it truly becomes never-never land. But we can reclaim the creative promise we had as a child. Yes, it's scary to identify with our child side. We fear that instead of rebirthing it, we are simply reopening a wound that hasn't healed.

It's tough to let go, to trust the child and believe there will be a positive outcome. We'd desperately like to recapture the spontaneity of childhood. Instead we recoil - feeling the price we'd pay would be too high. We can, as adults, make intelligent choices and take the risks to launch us in to a new reality. To some extent, we are all victims of an early depression that engendered the current problems we're dealing with. Unless we consciously make new choices and alter our frame of reference, they can and will effect us all of our lives. Yet, we have memories of what used to be and inklings of what can be again. Just as we once swam fearlessly in the embryotic fluids of the womb, we can learn to swim fearlessly in the waters of the unconscious. It's our natural habitat, attractive and as fascinating to us as the sea. Our distrust gradually erodes our ability to keep a healthy sense of our center, of wholeness and spiritual integrity.

When I stand at the ocean's edge, which I love, I'm drawn to it; although I love swimming, I feel anxiety under certain conditions. When looking at a breathtaking seascape, we take in the beauty, we're struck by the sense of it's infinite majesty. Even when the surface seems rough, churning wildly in the wind, we never think, "Gee, the water looks disorganized, it might be crazy and out of control." What can get out of whack is our perspective. It's not nature herself that's out of control, but we who are out of hand. More than once I've looked to relax and regroup myself by walking on the beach. The rhythmic movement of the waves, the unusual patterns in the sand, the sun and air are uplifting and give me some peace of mind. I sense the greatness of nature at work.

Lying in the sand, feeling myself let go of anxiety, I feel connection to the life process itself and know I can trust it. In reclaiming the child, we find the blocks to expressing our creativity are removed; without effort they've silently started to wash away. Like the waters changing the sands of the shore, there is a force ever in motion within us, organized, intelligent and powerful. As natures children, we are all artist's. Our fingers, like her hands, are potential agents of transformation. Yes, it's difficult to let go and trust an internal process when we've been conditioned to think that what we need to master a new skill lies outside us. Remember the child within never dies and is forever young.