Enlightened Choices Newsletter for Women's Trauma Issues - From WIIT - The Women's Institute for Incorporation Therapy - Offering women's treatment programs for acute symptoms of psychological trauma including depression, bipolar, borderline personality, child abuse, sex abuse, trauma, survivor, dissociative disorder, PTSD, multiple personality, D.I.D., ritual abuse, incest and other trauma issues.

"Sometimes we wish for things that we really don't want." Survivors generally wish for certain things because we know that we will never achieve them. Recovery from psychological trauma is one of these things that we wish for. People have told us that we will never get better or that we did not do something "right" enough. If we find the way, our reaction to reality is fear and doubt. We had underestimated the amount of new skills which are needed. Since we only have a short length of time in recovery and the new skills take so much effort, we instinctively go back to our old painful patterns. Our old patterns were mastered only to keep us in a defensive position to guard against the frequent, emotionally paralyzing, events. These old patterns never worked before to help us to be functional in every day life, so what makes us think that they will work now?

This reminds me of an adolescent who wishes for the day they can leave their home and live on their own. When it actually comes true, they find themselves afraid and lost due to ineffective skills for the higher level of responsibility needed for their new independence.

Once we reach the initial stages of our recovery, reality hits us firmly in our faces. Our past abilities to isolate and hide from pain, to reduce the effects of repetitive abusive acts, no longer serves us in a social situation. Therefore, the fear of being inadequate sets in and we revert back to our old, inadequate, negative patterns.

Recovery is not easy or fast. There are no short cuts and no microwave techniques. Recovery is hard work. There are stages in recovery. We have to pass through these stages and complete them. These stages in a lot of ways mimic normal childhood development.

Recovery does not have to be done totally blind. There is a tool which can assist us greatly through the process. This tool is the self concept. The self concept is a written picture of how we want to act, feel or think. Our journey through stabilization allowed us to regain control of self, so why give up all our advances in a dust cloud of confusion. The self concept is a decision making process toward our future and recovery. Yes, it is hard and takes a lot of thought to complete the self concept. The benefits in the future out weigh the effort it takes now. Once the self concept is completed, we then have a created image, a map, for reality. A human's uniqueness does not just happen, it develops. The more we practice our self concept, the more proficient we become. The more proficient in a skill we become, the more relaxed we are when we perform it.

No matter what direction we choose to go, it is always easier with a map than without. If the self concept is completed realistically, and practiced, then development and growth occurs.

Reprinted from Enlightened Choices 8/96

Well, your editor is at me again to contribute to this worthwhile publication. Since I haven't written any new, strikingly relevant poetry, I wondered what kind of article might be of interest to the alumni of WIIT and their equally faithful therapists.

I know in previous editions there have been suggestions about how to continue your growth after discharge, but I decided you might be interested in some "simple" lists. These were not scientifically researched, just impressions. If the hat fits, wear it; if it's too tight, maybe it's time to stretch it. You know we love to have you back when you need us. But we love it when you're able to apply the skills you learned at WIIT and work with your therapist toward more and more independence. Keep your sense of humor — that's important, too.

Most common reasons given for readmission:

I stopped (or never started) doing my aftercare:
- not saying my Positive Affirmations 5xdx6mo.
- stopped seeing my therapist.
- didn't finish my creation of New Definitions, New Values and Boundaries
- didn't write my Self Concept, and/or haven't reviewed what I have written 4xwkx6mo.
I stopped internal communication and/or, "They won't do what I tell them to."
Retraumatized in spite of my best efforts to keep safe.
Re-exposure to abuser(s).
New layer(s) that I haven't been able to safely bring in outpatient.
Being healthy got boring - I didn't know how to live without chaos.
I just had to try my old behaviors one more time—but they don't work the same anymore.
I wasn't ready to risk it all before.
I held something back in Incorporation because (fill in your favorite loyalty to other(s) here).
I wanted to check out WIIT's new location to reassure "everyone" that you're really here if we need you.
My therapist went on vacation.
Why would I want to go anywhere else?

Least often mentioned reasons for readmission:

I did everything you told me to and it didn't work.
I needed a vacation.
You told me I had to.
I want you to prescribe more meds to numb my feelings/stop the voices.
My alters made me do it.
El Nino.
Where am I?

Suggestions on how to avoid readmission:

Continue outpatient therapy with knowledgeable, supportive therapist (have him/her call WIIT for a consultation if necessary).
Total honesty with self, with WIIT and outpatient therapist.
Internal communication:
listen without judging
take healthy risks and learn from mistakes
follow through on promises to self
boundaries, internal parenting, nurturing, and balance
assess and meet your needs.
Do your aftercare
- Positive Affirmations eyeball-to-eyeball in the mirror 5xdx6mo (miss a day, start over). Replace those Abuser Values?
- Write Self Concept and review 4xwkx6mo (this is your map/blueprint to create who you want to be—based on your values—something you didn't get to do growing up).
- Check your Aftercare Workbook (journal, spirituality, definitions, boundaries, etc.)
Review your inpatient and Aftercare assignments with your outpatient therapist.
Attend and participate in healthy 12-step/support groups.
Balance: fun
- work/school/volunteer
- recovery/internal work
- socialization
- spirituality
- rest
- exercise
- writing
- relationships with self/others
- nutrition, etc.
Protect Incorporation - Keep promises to Self!
Healthy friends who support & share recovery
Meds as ordered and if ordered, by knowledgeable, supportive physician.
Refrain from drugs, alcohol and other mood-altering substances.
Avoid old patterns of unhealthy people, places, things - and replace these with healthy alternatives.
Explore new things - learn from experiences and mistakes.
Healthy adrenaline/risk-taking - combat boredom without chaos: school, challenging job/volunteer work, learn a new skill, safe adventures (like I always say: skydiving - with a parachute).
Healthy outlets for creativity (rechannelled from 101 ways to drive your therapist crazy, or who can get the biggest/fanciest butterfly tattoo competition).
Make a list of 10 ways of managing a crisis; put calling your therapist last on the list just above readmission to WIIT (thanks, Diane V., for that suggestion).

SEND IN YOUR OWN SUGGESTIONS FOR EACH CATEGORY TO THE EDITOR. SHE'D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU. KEEP THOSE PICTURES, POEMS, ARTICLES AND LETTERS COMING! ENLIGHTENED CHOICES NEEDS YOU! YOU NEVER KNOW HOW MANY OTHERS MIGHT BE HELPED BY YOUR CONTRIBUTION.

Once upon a time in the land of today, lived a sweet child named Hope. One morning after a restless night, Hope's young body stretched to face a new day. She hugged her favorite stuffed toy at the thought of her parents fighting the night before. The voices were never clear, yet in the morning remained loud. Especially, the evening before, when Hope, startled from the sound of something breaking, crept downstairs to see two giants turn on her. They told her bad, hurtful words, so Hope scurried upstairs. Devastated and confused, the innocent child crawled deep under the covers, tucking them around her, hoping the giants wouldn't find her. Hope, once again, fell asleep on a tear-stained pillow. Were those really two huge giants? Maybe it was just one of those scary dreams Daddy says she has.

Hope snuggled her favorite warm fuzzy one more time and looked out the window to see a beautiful day. She quickly dressed and slipped back down the stairs and out into the new day. Suddenly, Hope looked around her. She feels fear. FEAR, which was overwhelming, on such a sunlit, blue sky day. Hope looked around her. She was no longer a child. Hope is an obese woman in her forties. Hope turns and as quickly as her huge body allows, she runs back into her house and slams the door behind her.

Shaking from the nightmares earlier, she sits on the couch and closes her eyes. She imagines herself a child again and allows, through a creative, child's eye, thoughts of a huge vacuum cleaner sucking all of the fear out of the sky. Then little Hope puts the vacuum on reverse and fills many brightly colored balloons with all the fear. Hope takes the balloons merrily to the window and lets loose all the fear-filled balloons into the most beautiful sky and watches as they fly away into oblivion. A woman, once again, she ventures out the front door for a new day.

Hello everyone, let me once again start by apologizing for the fact that this issue has taken somewhat longer to get out than I had anticipated. Unfortunately, life keeps getting in the way and I have learned that my needs are important and must take priority. Actually, this time it wouldn't have mattered even if I hadn't learned that because I was physically away from my computer, lying in a hospital bed. They wouldn't let me bring my system in and hook it up in my room, I guess they felt that would distract from my getting rest or something. I don't know that I agree, but they kind of had me outnumbered, so I didn't argue.

It has been an interesting couple of weeks in my life. It seems that everything happens at once, both good and bad. Here I am in the middle of trying to get the newsletter out and I had an emergency trip to New York to save my mother's critically ill computer. The surgery was long and arduous, but I did manage to save the patient. He is recovering nicely. As soon as I made it back to my own home, I was whisked off to the hospital to have some surgery of my own as a result of tangling with a brown recluse spider. I am also surviving the operation, although my recovery seems to be taking much longer than my Mom's computer.

At the same time as all this was going on I was also given a fabulous promotion at work, beginning the wonderful journey of going back into the work force full-time and getting off disability. That is truly an empowering experience, realizing that I am a productive member of society and people desire to have me work for them in a position of responsibility (and knowing I can do it and be good at it). I wanted to shout out to the world, to all those people who didn't believe me when I said that this disability thing was just a temporary situation (NEVER anyone at WIIT), that I knew I could do it, that they were WRONG! It was an incredible realization to me when I sat back and looked at the fact that I got this promotion even though I was ill and no one knew how long it would be before I returned to work. An even bigger realization when I looked at the fact that I knew I deserved it!

It's amazing to me when I look at what I am capable of now. Even through all the horrible pain and trauma of being in the hospital and everything that goes along with that, my system remained intact. We've gotten that strong. We can rely on each other to get through situations that in the past would have shattered me. I won't say that it was all perfect, it wasn't. I'm still getting the hang of doing trauma together as a unit. I did have a few problems but I dealt with them as a whole person and I'm okay. There was even a point when I did split off for a little while, but I brought everyone back together (even two new ones) and I'm stronger for the experience. Don't get me wrong, I would never recommend getting bit by a brown recluse as a way to have a growing experience to anyone, but I was able to turn a VERY negative experience, into something that has some positive outcomes. I'm coming to believe that that is what life is really all about. Taking what it throws at you, both good and bad, and seeing how you can grow through the experiences.

Enough about me, now, about the newsletter...I'm dangerously low on writings from you all and would desperately appreciate some more. It's real hard to have our own newsletter if only a few people are sending stuff in. (Thank you, thank you to my faithful contributors) We have quite a large readership and there's no way I'm seeing that represented in the articles and writings being sent to me. I'll take anything, from anyone, professionals too (that would be great!).

I just wanted to share with everyone a remarkable turnaround. I would never have believed six years ago that I could be where I am today. It seems like a miracle and in a way it is, but it is also a result of a lot of hard work and perseverance. Had I ever given up, I would not be here today. Today I am living in my own home, have my own pets and and best of all I am now (finally) working again.

I was committed several times to more than one state hospital. I was considered a lost cause by many. But I refused to give up. I knew there was someone in there who could function and function well. Finding her was difficult. She was buried under many protective layers of personalities. By protecting me they were also destroying my life. I realized once I knew what the problem was that what was needed was a common goal. I remember in psychology class how counselors at a summer camp got kids to get along who had previously been fighting. They created a problem that all the kids had to work on together to solve. (They had to fix a broken down bus to get to their desired destination.) Well, it worked. They got along just great after that. I figured if it could work for that group, why not my group. I knew that our biggest problem was staying out of the hospital, so I brought that up as something we could all work on together. It was amazing how every part of me was willing to cooperate once they realized the benefits of working together. Getting and keeping a job has been our latest project and so far we are doing great. "All" of me is a success. I am now a supportive living coach, helping those who were once considered unable to live on their own (been there!) now do so.

Just remember, life will get better (never trouble free, but definitely better). Just whatever you do, never give up.

JAC, Ft. Walton Beach

P.S. Thanks to WIIT and Enlightened Choices for their part in my recovery.

Recently I had a huge setback in my recovery. I felt like I'd slipped back to square one. Shame altered my chemistry and hopelessness - that emotion I thought I'd never feel again - took hold.

In desperation I turned within to my system for some signs of hope. I was given more than I could have hoped for - this poem:

Don't give up, Don't let go
When it seems an endless road

Don't give up, Don't let go
When old voices tug & tow

Keep on trekking toward the light
Believe it's there in dark of night
And one day you'll come to sing
While soaring on recovered wings.

Lisa,
New Jersey

Together we will walk this road.
Together we will learn and grow.

We'll discover who we are.
As one become a shining star.
We'll shine out light into the world.
And feel the bliss of being whole.

For Lisa in response to her prayer
for direction and hope.

Risa

As we have the courage to act with conviction....
To, at last, stretch out our wings without fear of judgment or of disturbing another...
We begin to discover, at last, the many qualities we hold within which set us to

flight!

Q: How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but it has to really want to change.

I seem to be lost in the space between then and now -
of total numbness from reality
a state of functioning in the past -
and trying to survive in the here and now
functioning as an adult who never had
a chance at childhood -
a stream of broken pieces looking for
a place to belong -
trying to find the answer to a
question that was never heard -
unable to follow the simple art of conversation -
once belonging to a world we hoped
never existed -
yet struggling to understand a new
world of acceptance and love -
a part of me is beginning to grow
fearful for it's survival of existence -
living in a constant fear of my selves
slowly, ever so cautiously, we emerge to
the test of curiosity from confusion -
draining endlessly all the energy
necessary for the boundaries of survival -
feeling isolated, yet by the rejection of
our inner family; amnestic to parts as needed
maintaining the secrecy of multiplicity -
struggling to hold together as we are lost
between the human being and the
personalities held deep within -
living in this never ending world
of silences shattered only
by the voices held inside -
robbing me of any hopes of being normal
laying dormant deep inside myself -
still and unformed, as yet.