Enlightened Choices Newsletter for Women's Trauma Issues - From WIIT - The Women's Institute for Incorporation Therapy - Offering women's treatment programs for acute symptoms of psychological trauma including depression, bipolar, borderline personality, child abuse, sex abuse, trauma, survivor, dissociative disorder, PTSD, multiple personality, D.I.D., ritual abuse, incest and other trauma issues.

Finally it is a new year, new century and a new decade. This is a good time for reflection, decisions and changes. There is no law that says you cannot start fresh. So lets examine a needed change. Self-labeling.

Entering into recovery from traumatic loss (death, catastrophic events, natural disasters, neglect, abuse, divorce, car accidents) conjures up so many negative attitudes, myths, stigmas, labels and fears not only from the general public but also by the individuals who have gone through traumatic loss. Many people who hurt very deeply from great losses in their lives do not seek help because of the label(s) that will be attached to them either by their family, friends, significant others, society and even by themselves. Of all the possible labels, the worst is the one they put on themselves. It is far worse and binding than any other type of external label. When these self-labels are examined from the perspective of the hurt individual it becomes clear that the content and force behind this act of self-criticism is plainly loyalty to the wishes and values put upon them by the perpetrator, who needed to control them. But then again, we already knew that, didn't we.

So what needs to be changed in this area to empower ourselves for a fresh start?

First, identify and write down the labels that come out of our own mouths. For example "I'm no good" "I am a loser" "I am a victim" or "I am a bad person". Then examine all these labeling statements and decide if they are true for you or do you want to change them. For the ones that are to be changed, completely forget about them. Take out a new piece of paper and create new labels that you want to use to refer to yourself with. For example "I am a good, successful person" I am a sensitive and intelligent person" or "I am a complete and whole person" and so on. Study the list daily and adapt these new labeling statements into your everyday talk.

Two of the hardest labels to work out of are victim and survivor. I am speaking in regards to movement into the stage of recovery. Part of this movement is accepting and committing to the label of "recover". A "recover" by definition is a person who regains possession or control through experience.

Lets examine the other two labels.

1. A "victim" by definition is a person who is injured or killed by another or the result of an occurrence. Some people get locked into this self-label and are not able to move forward therapeutically. A person stuck in this victim self-label for years, views life events as traumatic. The person verbalizes, "Everything always happens to me" "I always feel victimized when I interact with life". Understand the perception and attitude of a person who thinks every event in their life just happens to them and each hurtful loss piles on top of the other. This label puts the person in a helpless and hopeless mind set to have no power over their life. They just sit and wait for "the next bad shoe to drop " on them.

2. A "survivor" by definition is a person who survives." "Survives" is the operative word or label. A person stuck in this self-label over years, views life as an ordeal. The person verbalizes, "Oh boy I just survived another day at work" "I just survived another day with the kids (meeting, school, etc.)".

The point of this examination is that we have to decide which label we are going to commit to because we can only be one label at a time. If we think we are a victim then we are not a survivor or recover. If we think that we are a survivor then we are not a victim or a recover. If we think we are a recover then we are not a victim or a survivor. It is all in how we view or label ourselves.

Just because we have been hurt and suffered great losses, doesn't mean we have to hurt ourselves everyday with demeaning and disowning language when it only takes a decision and a little work to change our attitude and perception of ourselves. It is our right to decide this year that we are worth all the work we can put into ourselves. Reclaim what you lost – you.

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Emptiness within
Does not equal hopelessness
Just the place soon for joy

- Greg H.

Do I Dare... ?

When did it happen? Do I feel it? Is it truly a memory, or just a morbid fantasy? Blood flows, but from where? No wounds. Empty. Shadows. Shades of yesterday. A vision... yet mine? Sadness. Joy. Anger. Pain. Fear. Happiness. Love. Hate... Sorrow. Do I dare... believe?

- Laura Inc., Orlando, FL

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And the day came when the risk to remain closed in a bud became more painful than the risk to blossom.

- Anonymous

Recently I came across a comic strip in which the main character states, "For health reasons, I've decided to give up coffee." In the next frame he walks past a brewing pot of coffee. The final frame shows the character walking away, coffee in hand, stating, "For sanity reasons I've decided to give up giving up."

I have noticed that we have a tendency to choose "sanity over "health". This decision assumes that that is the only choice. It also assumes very negative definitions of the words sanity and health. Such definitions may be indicative of a belief system in which our lives are bound by catch 22 decisions. We can either be sane and unhealthy or healthy and insane.

We are survivors. We are learning to reclaim our power from our abusers. To recreate our lives by redefining our values, beliefs and even words we use in our own vocabulary. This is a tremendous undertaking requiring a huge amount of commitment, energy and faith that we can overcome the abuser values and voices of the past. Why do we stop short of our health?

Is it possible that despite significant advances in our recovery... we keep our abusers and their destructive messages and values alive through our relationships to our bodies?

Is our body part of the "self" we reclaimed and promised not to turn our backs on from that point forward? Or does it remain in the realm where our abuser(living or dead) silently continues exercising destructive ploys to limit and control our independence and our potential.

How can we honestly presume to be pursuing recovery, a journey of healing and growth, when we use cigarettes, caffeine, sugar and a vast array of chemical-laden and addictive fast/junk foods to maintain our sanity in the process?!

Why is it that we can not trust our selves and our bodies to live a sane... even happy life without using such substances to numb our senses? Are our senses not a gift with which we strive to reconnect in order to reclaim our very essence and enrich our experience of life?

I have come to believe that health is the foundation of success. But this, oc course, depends upon our definition of success. If success is measured by work status, productivity in the workplace, income/financial standing and/or public image (how others see us) then we will find ourselves sacrificing our bodies through short nights, excessive stress and a variety of poisonous and addictive substances. Before long, our bodies become, to us, an ever present annoyance that keeps us from "succeeding" in the world as we see it, for they cannot keep up with our endless demands...demands which very likely are rooted in our loyalty to the abuser and our strivings to fulfill his/her expectations. (see Dr. Bill's Corner – EC Sept. 99)

I have become active in the field of recovery and so I seriously strive to live what I believe. I have, however, experienced many blocks in my lifelong quest for wholeness and health. After overcoming blatant self-abuse and my named and "treatable" addictions... I walked a long road of engaging in society's "accepted" numbing practices. I was slowly destroying the recovery I'd fought for by undermining my physical health, balance and ability to experience life to its fullest. I had taken over the role of my abuser in the punishment and suppression of me.

Tragically, my unhealthy, physically destructive "habits" were often modeled for me by the therapists and mentors I looked to for guidance and support. Although, on some level, I knew my behavior was not nurturing to my body or supportive of my recovery, I chose to use the examples of these "professionals" to justify my own behavior. It was not until I was brought to my knees by exhaustion and illness that I took a good hard look at my needs. Then, I saw that my "new" definitions of health and self-nurturing had emerged out of my observations of those I "looked up to" in my struggle with my disease. Actions do speak louder – albeit more subtly – than words.

My relationship with my body is something I work on each day. It is an integral part of my efforts to love and nurture myself. Eating healthy and choosing to avoid unhealthy practices becomes increasingly "natural" as I do my "self work". I believe the more we value ourselves, pursue our passions (gifts/talents) and treasure life, the more we want to live our lives in a way that maximizes our health our success our ability to experience life to it's fullest.

The body is a miracle. It strives always to move toward health. When we appreciate and support rather than manipulate and suppress our bodies, we will most likely find ourselves enjoying better health and a greater ability to remain centered in the face of the storms of recovery and life. I, myself, have discovered that health and balance beats numbing techniques hands down and, in fact, they empower me in all aspects of my recovery and my life.

The depth and extent of our abusers' destructive programming is frustrating at best. But we have always emerged the victor. With the knowledge and tools we continue to gain, we can choose to embrace all we are, claim all the joy, peace and health we deserve and once again emerge triumphant.

I'm having a very difficult time writing my column this time. I've started it four different times now and deleted each one. This is an unusual occurrence. Normally I can sit down at the computer and it just flows out of me.

As I've been pondering the why of this, I've received three different phone calls. The first from the Social Security office about an ongoing feud I'm having with them about benefits I received, the second from the car dealership I purchased a new truck from 5 months ago that is still not financed and the third from my doctor, a reminder call about my check-up for my broken hand (Is that dedication or what). As I thought about this, I realized the tremendous amount of stress that I am under right now. No wonder I'm having a hard time writing.

I start a new job tomorrow on top of it all but the neat thing is that, it's okay. I'm handling it. I won't say that everything is perfect or that I haven't had moments where I've screamed in frustration or just wanted to give up on it all. I have. The neatest thing is though, that as I've talked with "normal" people, I've discovered that they do the same things. What I've been going through is a normal response to a great deal of stress. I've attained normal!

I know people who haven't been through a great deal of trauma and been given all kinds of labels wouldn't understand how exciting it is to have reached "normal". I was sure I could find some soul mates here. It's quite the feeling and there's really no way to explain it except that, it's nice. I don't think I'll ever be completely normal, because I know how messed up people really are. I think that gives me a perspective that someone who has always been "okay" can never have. I also still have some impulses that I don't think your average American does, but that's all they are, just impulses.

As I look at the upcoming year, I can see all kinds of challenges ahead of me. The wonderful part is that I also feel I can meet them and succeed.

To have that knowledge becoming a part of me, for the first time is quite incredible. There have been many times that others have said similar things to me and I just nod, say, "Thank you," and go along with them without ever really feeling or believing it. I know now that I can handle life and I can succeed. I'm just like everyone else walking down the street and I deserve good things just as much as all of them. I don't have that "different" sign hanging over me, flashing in bright red neon.

For the first time in a very long time, there are people in my life who know nothing about my past. Not just one or two, but several and it's not because I'm ashamed of it or afraid. It's just simply because it doesn't matter. My past no longer defines the person that I am today.

John Powel, a Jesuit priest and psychologist, has long been one of my favorite "self help" authors. Recently, I have been reading his book "Through The Eyes of Faith." That's where I bumped into my title: "Growth Begins Where Blaming Ends." Like all really profound slogans, it managed to sum up something I've been wanting to say for quite a while.

What does it apply to? Any action we take that we somehow are saying we were not responsible for. The excuse usually starts: "I know but" or "yes, but you don't understand" or "it wasn't really me," etc. Each time we do this we suffer. We are placing ourselves in conflict with our own values. When we look at ourselves we aren't happy with what we see and that causes us to feel badly about ourselves.

Self Image, the way that we see or think about ourselves; and Self Esteem, the way that we feel about or experience ourselves, play a key role in whether or not a person ends up really recovering.

I believe that the lasting motivation for recovery must be internal. That it is a sense of inner freedom or peace that evolves within a person as they take mature possession of themselves and that this experience is so rewarding in and of itself, that it makes the tough decisions and struggles not only worthwhile but sometimes even desirable. This is what helps us to go the extra mile, to go to any lengths, to do the things we must.

How is it then that we can build our self image and self esteem? How can we become happy about being us? Yes, the us that exists right now! Ultimately, regardless of what we have had to endure in our lives, we must look at our own actions and assess them for what they really are. To begin with, all of my actions are my own. Whether I like it or not, no one other than myself is responsible for my behavior today.

Then I must examine my actions in the light of my own real beliefs and values. In that context I will see some of my actions as good and some as bad (yes, I used the word bad).

I must also consider that I do not exist in a vacuum. My actions and interactions effect others. I'm not talking about a distorted co-dependent responsibility for others, but a realistic look at how my behavior may have impacted others. Particularly those who genuinely love me or are trying to help me.

This examination of myself will ultimately lead me to acknowledge some character flaws in myself. Things that I may want to work on so that I come more in line with what I really believe and value. I will probably need some help with that. It may very well require some form of prayer or meditation (again, depending upon your own real beliefs).

You may find yourself assessing some situations you were involved in and deciding that you owe some people an apology. Perhaps you do. Check it out with some friends or a counselor, but be sure they are not making excuses for you.

What I have just described, in the most abbreviated of terms, are steps four through nine of the twelve steps. These are the steps that help a person to come to grips with their true selves, to begin to see themselves in a better light, to feel freer and more comfortable with themselves, to feel lighter, less burdened, more encouraged, more hopeful.

It is in fire that gold is tested and it is in the light of truth, acceptance of self and the taking of responsibility for our actions that freedom is found.

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force it's body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther.

So the man decided to help the butterfly, he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

What the man, in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved it's freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. And we could never fly.

So, have a nice day and struggle a little.