Enlightened Choices Newsletter for Women's Trauma Issues - From WIIT - The Women's Institute for Incorporation Therapy - Offering women's treatment programs for acute symptoms of psychological trauma including depression, bipolar, borderline personality, child abuse, sex abuse, trauma, survivor, dissociative disorder, PTSD, multiple personality, D.I.D., ritual abuse, incest and other trauma issues.

In Part I, Dr. Bill discussed the three types of individuals who are attempting to free themselves from a traumatic past. The three types were 1. the victim, 2. the survivor and 3. the recoverer. (See Margie's article in this issue for a review.) Within the three types there are many characteristics or sub-types.

Therapy is a process of discovery. Out of discovery comes enlightenment. The more information we find out, the less we have to sit in fear and in the dark of our abuser's values; the less we have to punish ourselves over lessons we could not learn sooner due to fears and loyalties. These subtypes focus on some of those lessons that consistently show up and that people have trouble resolving. With learning and enlightenment comes power, strength and a release from the darkness of unknowing.

The characteristics/subtypes that we have identified to date are:

Fixer: Attempting to fix trauma memories, so that nothing happened.
Dancer: Focused on his/her symptoms to avoid issues with self.
Receiver: Feels like a target for new flashbacks and memories and cannot control the surfacing or their own reaction to the intrusive material.
Collector: Searches their mind for new flashbacks and trauma memories and then stores them.
Analyzer: Analyzes all trauma memories for details and inconsistencies.
Revenger: Focuses all energy on wanting and mentally planning, and/or playing out in their head, acts against their abusers in order to release fear, pain, anger or rage.
Saboteur: Not allowed by abuser's values to be successful, so, just before success is achieved, "something happens".
Terrorist: Use flashbacks and trauma memories to scare off other people due to fear of relationships.
Blamer: Constantly searches flashbacks and trauma memories to assign blame to self or others.
Shamer: Constantly searches flashbacks and trauma memories to assign shame to self or others.
Denier: Constantly denies the trauma ever occurred and/or denies any importance or impact of the trauma.
Tester: Always putting personal and professional contacts through tests of loyalty.
Confessor: Confesses to and apologizes for everything that happens in their life. Repeatedly says, "I'm sorry."
Experimenter: Puts his/her mind and body through any and every procedure to find an instant "cure," and if it does not work quickly they move on to the next.
Evaluator: Compares their pain and hurt to others pain and hurt and then minimizes their own.
Martyr: One who suffers for the deeds of others or sacrifices self to further their own suffering.
Loyalist: Will use any of the above characteristics or combination to remain loyal to their perpetrators.
Griever: Stays stuck in the stages of grief including anger, bargaining, sadness about the losses created by the trauma.
Avenger: Focuses on rescuing others from real or perceived abuse situations.
Activist: Uses his/her anger to change own or other's lives and/or society.
Student: Constantly learning, but feels inadequate to apply the knowledge.
Scholar: Researches external information and teaches others about trauma and its effects, but does not necessarily put the information into practical personal use.
Graduate Student: Beginning to apply knowledge and seeking increasingly more advanced level of understanding and applications, but perhaps only on an intellectual level.
Accepter: Acknowledges within self the reality and impact of the trauma, and accepts the responsibility for change.
Creator: Takes new knowledge, adds risks, learns from experiences and begins building the Self meant to be.
Person: One who has learned to live in the present, utilizing his/her strengths and adjusting to his/her challenges.

Each subtype is a technique which has its special place in a full repertoire of life choices. Some serve to defocus from untenable pain and fear, others serve to move us toward another phase of our lives.

Which subtypes have you visited? Which are you currently experiencing? Are you meeting your needs without unnecessarily compromising other needs? Are you covering your pain, running from it, or are you healing? Are you where you want to be on your journey? Would you like to share your experience, strength and hope with others?

Send your feedback and experiences to "Enlightened Choices." Learning and enlightenment, whether first-hand or through others, moves us further from our past and closer to our Self. Listen to your own "Language of the Soul," as Dr. Bill says. Live it and pass it on.

Recovery is a catch phrase that pops up everywhere. What is recovery? Why does everyone want it? Before we define recovery, let's look at the other two types of reactions to trauma, in order to better understand the road to wellness.

As Dr. Bill Tollefson stated in the last issue, when trauma or abuse occurs, people tend to react as Victims or Survivors and eventually, with work, - Recoverers. A Victim is someone who tends to say "poor me", "Why is this always happening to me? Why am I always the target of everything bad?" This type tends to feel helpless. A Survivor, on the other hand, is always ready for a "fight" in life. This person tends to think, "Whew, I just got through the day, now I have to gear up for tomorrow, because life is hard. Life is a struggle."

A Recoverer learns from the past, focuses on the present, and creates a future by being in the present moment and allowing the experience to "happen". This type of person catches himself or herself predicting, and instead, redirects the energy on experiencing. This type of person utilizes the past to learn from rather than to beat self up with. Someone in recovery says things like, "Oh, I made a mistake, now I need to pick myself up and keep going."

Now, you may be asking yourself, "How do I get to recovery, when all I know is how to victimize myself or barely get through the day?" Here are some helpful things to keep in mind when you're on the road to recovery. It's a process, not a destination. You are never done with recovery, but always on the road of growth. People in recovery fall and get back up. They use positive affirmations, as well as redefine definitions from the past that their abusers created for them. They consistently create and keep track of their personal boundaries, to identify where they end and others begin. I often tell people in the IOP program - "When you're getting healthier, you spend less and less time reacting to pain and more and more time being proactive in the face of it." They identify their own values, separate from those of their abusers. People in recovery are constantly defining and fine tuning their identity, or sense of self, being careful to keep it separate from the self they were programmed to be by their abusers.

When anxiety or fear approaches, as well as other feelings, people in recovery embrace them as "new pieces to the puzzle." Feelings, flashbacks, nightmares, and body memories are simply providing new information to that continuing creation of self. That creation of self never stops, but like recovery - only keeps growing.

RECOVERY IS LIKE A LOOP: JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING BACKWARDS, IT ONLY HELPS YOU GO FORWARD. THERE'S NO UP OR DOWN IN RECOVERY, ONLY MANY LOOPS. (Be proactive, instead of reactive. Human - not a robot.)

Victimization

I am a victim.
Poor, poor me.
Just take a look
At my history.
I can't help myself
And I'm no use to others.
So I'll just sit in the shit
'Cuz this is my druthers.

- Darlene

Survival

I get through each day,
Which seems just like the last
And every day before it
that is my past
I hope that I can
Get through tomorrow
It such a struggle
And time I cannot borrow.

- Thomas

Recovery

From my cocoon
I have emerged
The beauty of my wings
I have yet to grow into.
As a phoenix does fly,
So do I.

- Nicole

Untitled

A channel strong for all God's love
A bird of peace, a gentle dove

Your energy is one with all
Upon the earth both large and small

So now I see your noble goal
To learn self love, as me to grow

And I am honored now I see
The soul that God has given me

It's full of goodness, love and grace
And here to see and feel and taste

Oh God please help me now to grow
In ways congruent with Your flow

And trust forgiveness to renew
The me that I once was with You

I want to grasp my power now
Create fruitful life, please show me how

Help me join again life's dance
And gratefully grasp another chance

- LMR, 7/95

Freedom & Forgiveness

Of all the struggles on this earth
The pains both large and small
Revenge and unforgiveness
Are the darkest of them all

For when we cling to what is past
We have no space to grow
We find ourselves in darkness
True peace we cannot know

Is it that important
To cling to what went wrong
And focus on the errors
Of what is past & gone

Rather find a lesson
And you'll grow toward the light
You'll find the greatest freedom
When you give up being right

It's not a world of right and wrong
But one of growth and love
Forgiveness is a sword of peace
A gift from God above

So choose to focus efforts
To become all you can be
Forgiveness is the best revenge
For it will set you free.

- Lisa M. Richards, 5/17/97

A Child

A child of two
never knew what to do.
A child of three
was bought for a fee.
A child of four
Became a personal whore
A child of five
Fought to stay alive
A child of six
Was made to suck dicks
A child of seven
Tried to get to heaven.
A child of eight
Learned to dissociate.
A child of nine
Knew never to whine.
A child of ten
Became an object of men
A child of eleven
Stopped believing in Heaven.
A child of twelve
Became many selves.

- Darlene, 10/00

People with symptoms which result from early, repetitive, and severe trauma, tend to be somewhat exotic by comparison to what might be called the "average" patient in the everyday hospital system. As a result, many people that come through the WIIT program have had a difficult time getting help. Since "standard interventions" don't always seem helpful, there is a tendency to look for deep or exotic answers. This is understandable, and at some level, quite necessary. In fact, it's what makes a very specialized program like WIIT necessary and valuable. However, there is a real danger that once the special needs have been met, anything that is not deep, complex, or exotic, might be overlooked or ignored as not pertinent.

Having said all that, I suppose you wonder what I'm driving at. Let's say a patient has at least one alcoholic parent (very often it's two). That patient is repeatedly molested by her older brother (also an addict) and grows up only to end up choosing one, or a succession of, alcoholic/addict significant others. Additionally, she may self medicate to some degree and have questions about her own possible addiction.

Any person with one or two alcoholic parents is at grave risk for having a difficult life. They will grow up not knowing what normal is, and have all the problems that come with being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA). At the very least they need to spend a lot of time in Al-Anon and should get some good therapy. Many will end up having hospitalizations and being put on meds... If they choose an alcoholic significant other, then the problem is compounded... If they themselves use alcohol or drugs, the problem grows worse again. Now they need to attend AA and attain abstinence in addition to everything else. The prognosis that someone like this will lead a comfortable life without a lot of hard work and support is very poor. But with hard work and support, it can be excellent.

Please notice that I have yet to throw in the molestation. My point is that even without molestation this person is in serious psychological, emotional and possibly physical trouble.

"...there is a real danger that once the special needs have been met, anything that is not deep, complex, or exotic, might be overlooked or ignored as not pertinent."

Now we add the molestation. Everything is then overwhelmed by the effects of the trauma on the victim. Even if they try all the stuff in the preceding paragraph, it won't work. At least not until the trauma issues are dealt with. However, that can be such a long, difficult and trying endeavor that everything else is dwarfed by comparison. When the trauma issues are finally under control, we think "That should be it. I have slain the dragon (or at least made him weak) and now I should start to really get well." Not really.

If you were an Adult Child of Alcoholics, you will still have all that to deal with. If you have an alcoholic or addicted significant other, then you have all those co-dependency issues to deal with. If you were an addict, you still need to deal with all those issues... Fixing the trauma stuff only cleared the way for you to start dealing with the rest. Al-Anon, AA, NA, ACOA, are all necessary and available. These are the programs where you can find good support, available all the time, at no cost, to help you in your struggles to change. Maybe now they can work for you.

I am feeling free, so this must be
The part of me I am supposed to see.
I'm ready now to love myself.
Getting well is really tough.
My anger of red is going goodbye
My spirit now wants to fly.
So help me please, Dr. Bill
I'm ready now, I have the will.
So thank you anger
And thank you heart
For allowing me a brand new start.

Hello everyone, I hope this issue finds you all well. I find myself, for the first time in a very long time, out of therapy and relying on myself, alone. That doesn't mean, of course, that I don't have friends and family support. I have lots of that, sometimes more than I want. The difference is that in the past several years, whenever I had an important decision to make, I always talked it over with my therapist. Not that she made the decision, but at times she was able to play devil's advocate for me and to help me see things clearly. That was one of the big things I was afraid of when I stopped therapy. Not having that sounding board for decisions and problems. Well, I just want to share with you all that I have been doing just wonderful on my own. I have made decisions about things that would have floored me five years ago and I have done it with confidence.

My family, as a whole, has been going through a very tough time since last September when my father passed away unexpectedly. We've made decisions about property and stocks and I find myself taking a leadership role concerning a vacation home that has been in my family for generations. I'm not totally surprised that I'm doing this but I am surprised at my motivation and concerns. In the past I would have wanted to do this so that I could get my own way and be in charge. Now I want to make sure that everyone is okay with what we're doing and no one is getting stepped on. I find myself taking into consideration what everyone wants and coming up with suggestions that I can give to the family based on that. The miracle is that if they decide to do something else, I'm okay with it. I can actually see myself putting skills that I have learned into action and actually being able to let go of things that I can't control or that aren't that important. The most important thing is that we keep the cottage. What bedroom has what furniture in it is not really a big deal. Although at times there are others that believe it is.

My point in all of this (I really do have one), is that I did take in all of those things in program and in therapy that people were trying to teach me. For a long time I thought I would never get it, that these things being told to me were impossible to do in real life. I remember Pat telling me to just let something go. All I could think of was "How". It seemed a completely impossible task. I faked it for a long time and things used to eat at me inside but somewhere along the way, the faking became reality and now I don't have to pretend it doesn't bother me, it really doesn't. I can look at things and determine how important they are to me and if they're worth being upset over. If they aren't, I let them go and move on. It's amazing how many things I used to think were vitally important that I no longer care about. I wish I could share with you how to do it but I can't. I know part of it comes from an inner peace that I have and from not needing to be in crisis all the time, but as for the exact process, you got me.

Braveheart

Calm at morning's edge
In safe, supportive places
Walking out of dark.

- By Collective Hearts, 11/19/00

* The author Collective Hearts is actually a group of patients going through the WIIT program at the date listed below the Collective Hearts. It's the poetry they write in Pat's famous groups.

Upon completion of your Incorporation and release from the WIIT program, life began anew. Clearly, your unique individuality combined with your elevated intelligence enabled you to survive unspeakable abuse. At WIIT you learned that none of this was your fault. Your abusers' motives have been exposed, and you've obtained the tools necessary to rebuild your life. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

So off into the world you go, filled with hope and enthusiasm about what lies ahead. You're ready! You're armed with your affirmations, you've set your personal boundaries, you have realistic personal expectations and you can't wait to see what happens next! So you put your fear aside, you step up to the plate...and BLAM...a curve ball hits you right between the eyes, and the crowd goes wild (the crowd of abuser's values, that is). You see your recovery has made them very nervous. They don't like this new strength and new knowledge you've obtained. And they really hate that you're on to them. It used to be so easy to control you. They know every button to push and exactly when to push it. Something's changed and they don't like it! They have to work way too hard now to get your attention. Their blatant attempts to control you are recognized by you quickly and dismissed, so now they must find more subtle ways to get your attention. And one technique they really like is Discouragement. They want you to believe that every problem, whether large or small, is proof positive that you are everything that they've taught you to believe: that you're a loser...that you're stupid...that you can't do it...that WIIT was a lie...and that you will never be anything but a failure your entire life. Don't you believe it!!! The simple truth is that everyone in the world has problems from time to time. Do not allow your loyalty to your abuser's values cripple you for the rest of your life. Discouragement and disappointment happen to everyone, not just abuse survivors. It's how you handle it that counts. You have skills now to respond differently. You no longer have to be a pawn in your abuser's sick game. You've already turned the tables on them, they just don't want you to know it. Every day as you get stronger and stronger, they get weaker and weaker. So the next time Discouragement raises it's ugly head, do what they do in baseball..just pick yourself up, dust yourself, off, and start all over again... BECAUSE YOU'RE WORTH IT!!!!!