Enlightened Choices Newsletter for Women's Trauma Issues - From WIIT - The Women's Institute for Incorporation Therapy - Offering women's treatment programs for acute symptoms of psychological trauma including depression, bipolar, borderline personality, child abuse, sex abuse, trauma, survivor, dissociative disorder, PTSD, multiple personality, D.I.D., ritual abuse, incest and other trauma issues.

Trauma memory has gotten a bad rap. First people don't want it, so they hide it on themselves; then when they can't repressed it anymore, they don't believe it; then they don't want it; then they want more of it; then other people don't believe it; then they don't know what to do with it.

Generally, people can understand why you wouldn't want to remember horrific trauma, but if they didn't have the need or the skill to develop repression, they don't understand how you could. So let's start with how it develops.

When you're in trauma and can't get out, if you're not going to die or go crazy, you need to deal with it somehow. You wouldn't be able to function if the trauma information were in your conscious mind. It would be too painful, too threatening and/or too intrusive. If the information was in the subconscious, it would seep through in dreams, flashbacks, etc., then it's in your conscious mind-so you can't keep it there either. Besides, the abuser's values are in your unconscious mind and those values would try to destroy the information. So in order to survive, if you are innately able to and your mind finds it necessary, your imagination takes on new functions.

First, your imagination gathers all the information about the trauma-everything you heard, saw, smelled, physical pain, emotional pain and anything related that might trigger remembering. In other words, your imagination encapsulates the trauma information and information surrounding it, maybe even whole years. Then the mind stores those "time capsules" in your imagination. So now you have a storehouse in your imagination full of information. (Yes, alters can each have her/his own storehouse.) Next, the mind guards the information so you can't get to it and it can't get to you. Then the imagination teaches you dissociation, so when the trauma is going on, although you can't get your body out of there, at least you can get your mind out of there. (Of course, then you have a conflict between the body, which feels abandoned by the mind, and the mind that blames the body for staying. But the internal conflict distracts you and thereby protects you from being in more conflict with the abuser, conflict with the abuser being perceived as far more dangerous.

This is a great system for someone in trauma an it works extremely well to help survivors survive for many years, even after the trauma is over. So what happens?

Life events tend to happen between the ages of 28 and 42 (although the age can vary), which make this system of repression no longer effective for survival. This may be the imminent or actual death of an abuser, birth of a child, especially a same-sex child, a child nears or becomes the same age you were when you were first abused, or you experience another trauma. Suddenly you begin to get pieces of information. At first it may be a little piece, then another, then your mind may decide that since you didn't die or go crazy from that information, the guard leaves and you may get flooded with information. But why? Why now?

It takes a lot of pressure and energy to keep all that information repressed. You may not be able to access parts of your imagination because the mind is afraid you'll find the storehouse. If the abuser is gone, the mind may decide it's finally safe for you to have the information and that you deserve that energy and your imagination back.

If you experience another trauma, your mind may decide you need to know you've survived worse. If you remember that you have survived worse it's easier to believe you can survive this too; and you remember how you did it so you can do it again. Or maybe you've developed enough skills so that your mind decides you are now capable and need to deal with things as an adult, more as a whole, rather than letting go of your resources and reverting to those of a child. Your mind may decide it is no longer safest for you to move aside and let a child part of yourself or a fragmented alter with inadequate functioning skills deal with things as if it were still the past. Your mind may decided your chances of survival would be better now if you remain in the present and have access to all your resources to deal with what is actually happening in the present.

And finally, your mind may decide that you need the information from the past in order to protect a child in the present. Perhaps you need to know who the abuser was so you won't expose the child to the same or a similar person and possibly risk the same abuse. Before you get the memories, you may have a dread or fear that you cannot identify, not know why you avoid someone, have urges or fear that you may hurt a child, but not know why. That repression, that defense that worked so well to help you survive the past, might now actually be threatening your own or someone else's survival in the present.

So no, we don't go looking for repressed memories and rip away your defenses when your mind still believes you need them. We don't advocate that you expose yourself to the risk of more abuse by confronting your abusers or those who protected them. They often still have the same defenses of denial, projection and aggression that allowed them to do what they did in the first place. But if your mind decides it's time to give you flashbacks, nightmares and body memories, you may say, "Please slow down and let me deal with the information at a pace I can handle." But resist the temptation to say, "I must be imagining this. I must be bad/evil. I must be crazy. Stop. I don't want to know." Remember that everything you and your system do is for the survival of the whole, even when it doesn't feel like it.

Spontaneously retrieved memory is un-repressed for a survival reason. Consider identifying the reason you are getting the information now, learn to "revisit" rather than "relive" the events, and use the information to "live/recover" rather than just "survive". And remember to tell your mind, "Thanks. I appreciate that."

As I teach and lecture on recovery from trauma, one question that I frequently hear is: "How do I have a relationship with myself?" As I formulated my answer I thought of three questions that have stuck in my mind when thinking about relationships:

    1. Who were you born with?
    2. Who are you going to die with?
    3. If you fall down, who will pick you up?

The answer to all three is you. If you have experienced abandonment, rejection, abuse and/or trauma then all your efforts were directed toward protecting against attack from outside forces. You were robbed of the time to develop and experience an authentic relationship with yourself and therefore felt awkward in other relationships.B
Without a friendship with yourself, the three questions about yourself are a mute point. Life becomes a lonely experience even if you have achieved everything you wanted. The extent of your relationship knowledge was that in a relationship you "served" the other and did what the other person told you to do even at the cost of a relationship with yourself. So how do I build a relationship that provides deep, satisfying, meaningful connection with me? I want to share some building blocks for developing an authentic friendship. Understand if you cannot do these building blocks with yourself then you cannot do them with another person. Remember that no friendship is automatic or is guaranteed to last forever. A friendship takes effort.

1. FRIENDSHIP IS BUILT ON FREQUENCY. This might seem like plain common sense but it's a place to start. An authentic friendship grows naturally when you spend time with yourself. Self-time should become a priority in order for this development to work. Think of this process as though you were making a friendship with another person. If you only see someone very seldom, you are not going to be able to build a deep relationship. If an authentic friendship is what you are striving for then you must be willing to invest the time. Another aspect of friendship that is important is the kind of time you spend. You can either spend quantity (just "being there") or the time you spend is quality time. Time in friendship should never be measured in amount.

2. FRIENDSHIP IS BUILT ON AUTHENTICITY. Your biggest fears is exposure to rejection, abandonment, pain and being hurt when it comes to attachment, so you wear a relationship mask. You fake involvement by controlling or directing. You may think faking has been fooling other people but when it comes to you are only yourself. Be willing to share your secrets with yourself. In recovery circles there is a saying "you are only as sick as your secrets". Authenticity is about revealing your feelings honestly. Experiencing your feeling and revealing them to yourself is the beginning of healing. Let yourself know who you really are.

3. FRIENDSHIP IS BUILT ON SUPPORT. In friendship you need support. You need to be understood and to have your feelings validated. Be sensitive to your feelings and stand up for them. An internal friendship derives its strength through self-support and the more support you get the stronger you grow. You cannot be what God or Higher Power intends you to be without being balanced, whole. That takes a firm foundation of support. The world is self-defeating enough without your help. The foundation of friendship is built on support and mutuality. With self you have everything. Without self you are empty. Remember self-denial, self-anger or self-disowning breeds weakness in a friendship. Accept and support all the wonderful characteristics, abilities and talents that you brought to this world. You need all systems working in harmony to hold you responsible to your word, to encourage you, to forgive you and to appreciate you. Be your own cheerleader in life.

4. FRIENDSHIP IS BUILT ON RESPECT. In friendship, you should show admiration for your differences and extend courtesy even when you are disappointed with your performance. Did you know that you could be disappointed without criticizing or judging yourself? You have many thoughts, feelings and behaviors that frustrate and annoy you. Complaining or ignoring will not resolve the issue. Don't make perfection or total success as a basis for friendship. Give yourself some old fashion courtesies like giving your undivided attention to yourself, listen carefully to what you want, ask for clarification if you do not understand and listen completely before giving a response. It is respect that builds a better and authentic relationship.

5. FRIENDSHIP IS BUILT ON ACCEPTANCE. Next to fear, judgment destroys relationships more quickly than anything else. Do not act important, better than or in control rather accept and enjoy the interaction. Be willing to accept different characteristics and qualities that you may not been aware of before. Be open enough to admit when you are wrong or do not understand. Judgment projects the air of "know it all." Be willing to say the words "I need your help," "I was wrong," and "forgive me." You are never going to get close to anyone if you do not build these phrases and attitudes with yourself for yourself.

6. FRIENDSHIP IS BUILT ON OPENNESS. The sad thing is that you attempt to hide the truth even from yourself. A truthful and open answer is a mark of an authentic friendship. Being open and connected go hand in hand. You need open feedback navigate through your life, not lies. Do not live in "relationship darkness" anymore. Connect with all the great hide talents, qualities and unique characteristic within. You cannot grow without openness. Healthy friendships allow frustration, sadness and anger to be expressed. Disagreement and conflict are healthy if handled appropriately within boundaries and in fact is the path to deeper friendship.

7. FRIENDSHIP IS BUILT ON FORGIVENESS. The world is not a perfect place and as you know there is hurt out there. A friendship is imperfect therefore you are going to get hurt. The issue is not the hurt its self but how you will handle the hurt? It'll determine whether your friendship deteriorates or improves. Forgiveness and trust are major elements of this building block. Forgiveness and trust are two different things. Forgiveness is a willful act and done in a short duration. Trust is built over a long period of time. Forgiveness is an act of kindness and giving. Trust is earned through demonstrations of being "true to their word" over an extended period of time. There is no genuine friendship without forgiveness, because imperfect things will happen and hurt will be encountered. Be willing to risk.

8. FRIENDSHIP IS BUILT ON BOUNDARIES. Boundaries are setting limits within the friendship. Boundaries are agreed limits on what is acceptable in the friendship. You have the right to define friendship any way you want. The right to determine values, expectations, lifestyle and priorities that define that friendship. Boundaries allow you to function and work within clear understandable limits adding predictability, safety and protection. Friendships are real risky when you have no idea how to act and/or think and do not know what to expect next. Do not live with uncertainty any longer.

9. FRIENDSHIP IS BUILT ON CONFIDENTIALITY. Never develop any close relationship without confidentiality backed by strong agreed boundaries that will increase the safety within the friendship. In fact, the quickest way to destroy any relationship is breaking agreed boundaries.

10. FRIENDSHIP IS BUILT ON LOYALTY. Loyalty is the highest building block. Other building blocks mentioned like support, respect and all these other blocks but loyalty is the ultimate apex of friendship. Loyalty is defined as extreme devotion. It is not automatic but rather a choice. First, loyalty should be strongly affixed to yourself. Friendships are grown and developed when there is loyalty to and unity of purpose. Friendship need not be based on unity of sameness. Friendship does not mean that you have to think, act or feel exactly like another in order to be an authentic friend. Individuality can foster a friendship and there can be unity without uniformity.

These ten building blocks if applied can begin to build an authentic friendship or significantly improve an existing friendship with yourself or others.

Yin & Yang

I cannot decide
Whether to think or to zone.
What was I saying?
Sure & positive
Present, knowing, grounded.
The beach gives me strength.

We're going to start with a quiz. What is the one topic, when announced in group that will instantly and simultaneously throw everyone into mass dissociation? Verbal abuse? Nooo. Sexual abuse? Nope. Cult abuse? Uh huh. Oh! Then it must be physical abuse. Right? Wrong! Surprisingly, the one topic that causes the most dramatic reaction from literally every patient that has ever been a part of the W.I.T.T. program is the seemingly simple, everyday, natural body function called ELIMINATION. Uh. Uh. Uh. Stay here.

It has become extremely clear to me that although elimination is indeed a natural body function, it is anything but simple and everyday to you. The moment I begin talking about going to the bathroom, a variety of things occur. Some of you freeze, your eyes glaze over and you quietly go away. Others of you instantly send out a little kid part that begins laughing hysterically as if I've just told an off-color joke. Others of you squirm around in your chairs, flush with embarrassment and plead with your eyes not to be called on. Numbing behaviors run rampant. Tension settles over the room like a sticky blanket. And terror is so thick. All because I announced that we were going to talk about going to the bathroom, or elimination. Some of you have learned more about this topic because I recently added a group on this subject, but because I've come to realize what a far reaching and difficult problem this is for all of you to deal with and for those of you that were here before I started the groups on elimination, it's time we talked about it.

Because we have determined that you are all geniuses because you're not dead or insane, I know that intellectually you understand what elimination is and why it is vital to your health. Myriads of diseases and disorders are caused by poor bowel function alone. Constipation, colitis, diverticulitis, polyps, indigestion, acid reflux, hemorrhoids and cancer are just a few of the problems caused by the inability to remove solid waste from the body. Urinary tract infections, kidney infections and bladder infections can all be traced to the improper elimination of toxins from the body through urination. And studies are being done right now because evidence has shown that there is a connection between poor elimination habits and a variety of menstrual problems. I'm quite sure that you are all aware of this information and have already experienced some of these maladies personally. So knowing about them has obviously not been motivating enough to get you to do something about these problems, some of which are life threatening. The question then becomes why? And every single one of you knows the answer. Abuse.

Bathroom related abuse comes in as many forms as there are personalities on this earth, so naming all of them is out of the question. There is, however, one consistent theme that winds its way through each of your issues; blame, shame and guilt. Whether you were forced to "hold it" and them beaten when you couldn't any longer, humiliated when you wet the bed and your sheets were hung on the line for all the world to see, totally deprived of privacy by being forced to leave the bathroom door open at all times, sexually molested in the bathroom itself, or publicly ridiculed and demeaned when you had an accident, it all boils down to one thing; abuse. None of this was your fault; it was all done deliberately by your abusers to break you down and control you. There is absolutely nothing dirty, wrong or demeaning about going to the bathroom. Nor is it something to be afraid of, embarrassed about or laughed at. Elimination is a healthy, normal body function that is absolutely necessary for life. Quite simply, if you don't go to the bathroom you'll get sick. And many of the illnesses you've had up to now are directly related to your not going to the bathroom often enough.

Recognition of female bathroom problems is the first step to changing them. The abuse is not happening now, but like everything else, you're going to have to reprogram your brain to accept elimination as a positive and mandatory body function. Bathroom affirmations?? Absolutely! You are experts on coming up with affirmations designed especially for you, so I'm only going to give you two examples: 1. I eliminate for me. 2. I heal my body for me. Every family has its own nicknames for urination and bowel movements, so use the words you're familiar with and add several more affirmations relating to elimination to your list.

Your body knows how to heal itself and with self talk and visualization you'll soon be experiencing a much improved elimination function. You'll be amazed at how much better you'll feel. You'll have vitality and energy you've never had before. Your skin and hair will absolutely glow. And most importantly, you'll have taken another chunk out of your abuser's armor. This will be one more thing that they will have failed at and you will have a brand new lease on a healthier life. Go for it!! I know you can do it!! And you are so worth it!!

Well, here we are again. I've been sitting here trying to think of what I'm going to write and my mind is a blank. You would think that I could get inspired in my current location, but it is not happening. I'm sitting in a hotel room, facing the Atlantic Ocean. It's absolutely gorgeous, if a bit cold. I'm working in Virginia Beach for the month and decided to take advantage of the off season rates. I'm enjoying it and I've learned something about myself as well.

Having the rare opportunity of facing due east, right on the ocean, I can enjoy the sunrise every morning. I've never been a great morning person and usually get up with just enough time to shower, dress and grab a cup of coffee on the run before I dash out the door, vainly trying to make it to work on time. This past month that has gradually been changing. I find myself not having to push the snooze button three times before I drag myself out of bed. I'm actually setting my alarm a little earlier and getting up on the first ring so that I can get ready for work before the sunrise. I'm taking my breakfast out on the balcony and relaxing while I begin my day with the sun.

It's amazing what a different tilt this puts on the whole day. I'm more relaxed, have more patience with the people I'm working with and am enjoying things more. I've also been trying to think of ways that I can transfer this experience to the rest of my life when I leave this place in a week and go back home for a little while then on to the next job. I think I'm going to be able to. I know I won't always have the sunrise beaming at me but I think I could go for a walk, a swim or just have breakfast outside. I think the most important part of my new "routine" is that I'm giving myself a chance to collect my thoughts for the day and just relax. I believe I can do that wherever I am, now that it seems to have become a habit. I'm even waking up early to see the sunrise on my day off, (Okay, I admit I went back to bed for a little while afterwards.). The opportunity to start my day a little more organized and kind of ease in to it has been a wonderful gift. It gives me a different perspective on everything that I seem to do during the course of the day and I seem to be accomplishing more as well because I take those few minutes to make sure that I have everything I'm going to need during the day as well. I'm not getting 15 minutes down the road and realizing that I forgot a piece vital to some project I was going to undertake during the day.

My pearl of newfound wisdom I want to share... find a way to begin your day gently. It sets the tone for the rest of the day to follow and makes each one a little easier to take.