Enlightened Choices Newsletter for Women's Trauma Issues - From WIIT - The Women's Institute for Incorporation Therapy - Offering women's treatment programs for acute symptoms of psychological trauma including depression, bipolar, borderline personality, child abuse, sex abuse, trauma, survivor, dissociative disorder, PTSD, multiple personality, D.I.D., ritual abuse, incest and other trauma issues.

In the last issue of Enlightened Choices, I reviewed the ways in which suicidal ideation can help a trauma victim protect Self in order to survive. Are you ready to accept the risk and the challenge of reading further?

Is it now time to ask: Did my Higher Power actually answer my prayers, but I didn't recognize the gift of dissociation and other coping skills as the answer? Is the trauma happening here and now? Am I staying in the present to find out, or am I automatically dissociating to a state in which I believe the trauma is happening when it is not? Is what I perceive as trauma actually trauma if I stay in the present, as the adult, with all the resources and options I have accumulated? Or am I letting go of those resources and options and being loyal to the time and reality distortions? Am I staying in an abusive/traumatic situation because of insidious loyalty to abusers and abusers' values? Am I abdicating responsibility to others, inside and outside of myself?

Have the negative consequences of continuing the old ways become more painful than the potential consequences of changing? Is it time to learn new ways of meeting needs which don't compromise so many other needs, understanding that not all needs can be met at once, so some negotiation will always be necessary? Of course, accepting that I have a right to have needs, and that I do have needs, and that I have the right and the potential to get those needs met in healthy ways will be a betrayal of loyalty to the abusers. In other words, it will mean becoming loyal to my Self.

If it is time to risk all that and make a decision to take the challenge, there are responsibilities. Which are you willing to accept?

Willingness to RISK everything except Self; AFFIRMATIONS 5xdx6mo, miss a day: start over; THERAPY; FEEL my feelings and EXPRESS them in healthy ways; RAPID REDUCTION TECHNIQUE;** INTERNAL COMMUNICATION (listening without judging) AND COOPERATION; set & maintain HEALTHY BOUNDARIES, including learning to tolerate the positive and negative consequences; NO SECRETS (revelation in health ways to safe people, no new secrets, but respecting my right to privacy); IDENTIFY NEEDS* being met in unhealthy ways; IDENTIFY & EXPERIMENT with new options for meeting needs; NEW FUNCTIONS for alters, using their (my) unique qualities to help rather than hurt me; CHOOSE options that fit for me; PRACTICE MAKES FAMILIAR ("I learn from my mistakes and experiences for me.") (The old becomes less familiar and less automatic.); MEET NEEDS in healthy ways with healthy RESOURCES and healthy people; have a FAMILY OF CHOICE (which may or may not include family of chance); KEEP PROMISES TO SELF, including keeping self truly SAFE in healthy, self-respectful ways (not in the old unsafe "safe" ways), including staying CLEAN & SOBER; GRIEVE losses; explore & meet needs for HEALTHY ALTERING STATE OF CONSCIOUSNESS, FUN & ENJOYMENT (adrenaline rushes without chaos); define my OWN SPIRITUALITY/ HIGHER POWER. And along the way, when the time is right, INCORPORATION.** (When the pain is defused, there is no need for the old behaviors, so new functions or healthy application of old functions for ALL.) Keep in mind, addictions and self-harm are sometimes the last to go. If I have trouble letting go of suicide as an option, WHAT ELSE am I not letting go of?

Sometimes we outgrow our friends as they were. If Suicidal Ideation was your friend, it protected you and helped you survive. In recovery, that function becomes obsolete, but the special qualities of that part of you do not. In recovery you can access and use those qualities, such as protection, creativity and courage, in new and exciting ways. Recovery means making a decision and taking responsibility for getting your needs met in progressively healthier ways. Recovery means meeting the challenges of the wonderful positive and negative consequences that come with embracing and being loyal to your Real Self.

References:
*Charles Whitfield, M.D. (1987) Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc. (Chapter 4).
**William "Dr. Bill" B. Tollefson, Ph.D., Director, Women's Institute for Incorporation Therapy at Hollywood Pavilion, Hollywood, FL (various lectures).

Traumatic childhood memories I buried deep within my mind, quietly transformed themselves into haunting shadows. Ever after that transformation, I constantly felt like I was being followed. I was never alone. In my peripheral vision, I frequently thought I saw silhouettes dashing in and out. I never turned to face them and they never ventured in front of me. For a long time there was this unspoken agreement that neither would recognize the other. Periodically through the years I would break my agreement and attempt to shake them off. Hide so they could never trouble me. Yet each effort ended in disappointment, luckily. Although I protested overtly about their presence, I hung onto them with all my might. Without them I would be and have nothing, no history.

Often the words "just look at us" were heard in my head over and over. I could not look. I could not recognize them. I refused to, I refused to recognize. I cut off all my emotions to escape. They remained, still haunting me. I ignored their presence and my history. But the record lingered on, inscribed forever.

I looked to others to deny my shadows and for this I found many. The shadows won't shake loose even with my best efforts. I did everything I was told to do to free myself, no help. Still the shadows followed, present in knowledge, if not in sight.

In reflection all the years of fighting were wasted pain and frustration. They fought for recognition, their rightful place. The shadows wanted to be brought to the light. With my power diminished as a result of years of fighting, I relinquished and granted the shadows recognition. Instantly a shaft of light appeared. They bathed in recognition and I welcomed enlightenment. Shadows haunt no more.

The truth learned was that everything strives to be recognized.

Dr. Bill

The revised second edition of Dr. Tollefson's book Separated From The Light, A Path Back From Psychological Trauma, is now available.

You can read an excerpt from the book here.

The book is available online at www.wiit.com.

Call toll free (866) 641-2221 for more info.

There are few subjects as complicated or far-reaching as our individual interactions with money matters. Being force-fed your abuser's values, based on their own distorted ideas about money, has wrapped the tentacles of twisted money memories around the very core of your being. In reality, money is nothing more than a physical manifestation of your own self-worth. See the problem? All trauma survivors have major misconceptions about their own self-worth that were deliberately instilled by their abusers. So in order to successfully maneuver the money maze, you have to first focus on YOU, not the money. (uh, uh, uh, no groaning).

Everything we do here at WITT is designed to assist you in reprogramming your brain and undoing the damage that was done at the hands of your abusers. This money issue is no different. We can't and won't do it for you, but we will give you the tools, encouragement and direction you'll need along the way. Make no mistake. This is NOT going to be easy. There are many steps involved in reaching financial balance in your lives. Identifying and unlearning the lies and then relearning the truth about successful money interactions takes time, practice and hard work. There is no quick fix or short cut to take. But if you are willing to invest the time and effort needed, the results will astound you. I know you can do it, so let's get started!!!

Along with all of the other lies you were taught, "money is not the root of all evil". In fact, the Bible actually says that, "the LOVE of money is the root of all evil", which has to do with greed, not money itself. If you were raised in a dysfunctional or unbalanced family, you really can't expect to have received balanced information about how to obtain and handle money. In fact, money is often the single most volatile problem area within the dysfunctional family structure. So first, let's do an exercise to help you begin to identify where you got some of the ideas you have about money. Ideas that aren't working for you. In the list below, identify any negative events that you personally experienced or observed at your home:

Dad broke into your piggy bank and stole your money.
Mom maxxed out her credit cards to punish your workaholic dad or to get his attention.
Dad cashed his paycheck and drank or gambled away all of the household money.
Your abuser gave you money or gifts to buy your silence about your abuse.
Your mom used credit cards to buy frivolous things when she didn't have the money for them.
Mom and dad used money to punish or reward you for following their rules or commands.
Parents constantly fought over money.
Your religious leader tells you, "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven."

I know that these are familiar to many of you, but more importantly, they may have triggered other events that aren't listed here. Stop reading and take out a sheet of paper right now and make your own list of negative money memories that happened in your family. Write down the ones listed above that you experienced at the hands of your abusers, and the additional ones that came to mind when you read the list. This is very important!! Reprogramming these events is the key to unlocking the door to healthy feelings of self worth and successful dealings with money. If you are serious about your recovery, you have to do this work. It will be okay. The abuse isn't happening now, right? You're safe. And completing this will go a long way in breaking your loyalty to your abuser's values.

Over the years, I have discovered that many of you have never seen or experienced a healthy event that concerns money, so I included a few of those as well, so you'll recognize them in the future.

Parents took you to deposit your baby-sitting or lawn mowing money into a savings account so you could see it grow.
Mom showed you how to save money and plan ahead to buy things you wanted and deserved.
Mom and dad showed you what bills they had and how to budget money.
Mom and dad put limits on how much money they would give you.
Parents gave you the opportunity to earn money and decide for yourself how to spend it.
Parent modeled saving a certain amount from each paycheck to build an emergency money fund.
Mom and dad did NOT buy you everything you wanted or asked for.

In addition to the negative and unhealthy events you experienced, your parent's or abuser's continuous use of money to control your behavior instilled the following abuser values:

NEGATIVE MESSAGE ABUSER VALUE

There is never enough money = You don't deserve to have nice things.
We are poor and always will be = You're worthless.
"Poverty Mentality" (family lives Your needs and wants as though poor, even if money is aren't important. �and- available) = You're not worth a penny.
If you want money, you have to You have to com promise do what I want you to do and yourself in order to get be what I want you to be = money.
Having money is a sin = You're going to hell if you have wealth

Do the same thing here you did with the list of negative events and add any statements that popped into your mind when you read the list above. You know enough now to add your own equations as well.

The plain and simple truth is that none of us arrive in this world equipped to handle money wisely and successfully. We have to learn, but unfortunately the lessons learned in an abusive environment are seldom accurate or productive. You may very well have heard your family talk about money, in fact, they may have talked about little else. But in nearly all cases, the conversation was totally irrational and loaded with your abuser's values. Break your loyalty to these distorted financial values and you will be well on your way to establishing financial balance in your life.

There's lots more information about money and the impact wrong money messages can have on your life, but I don't want to overwhelm you all at once. We'll continue again in the next issue. But the neat thing is you don't have to settle for your abuser's messed up way of thinking about this either. You can break your loyalty to their financial values. You can learn exciting, productive ways to deal with money. You can feel the thrill of seeing real results from your efforts. You don't have to stay locked in the financial nightmare your abusers put you in. You can succeed and have a healthy, happy life in spite of them. And you are so worth it!!

I agree that it's a challenge to face yet another area in need of adjusting. So until the next issue, all I want you to do is concentrate on understanding exactly what happened in your personal environment regarding money. And don't limit your investigation to just your parents or caregivers. Many other people and situations may have influenced you as well, so think it through completely. Include memories regarding other relatives and your family's history and traditions about money and work. Did all of the siblings in your family receive the same treatment when it came to money matters? How did an allowance or lack of one impact you? Did you receive specific messages about money from your religious environment? What were your parent's individual attitudes about money and who handled the money and paid the bills? Did they do it responsibly? What about your peers and society? Were any of your peers much richer or poorer than you? How did this affect the way you think about and handle your money now? How have you responded to the overwhelming barrage of "you've got to buy THIS in order to be happy" advertising campaigns? Have you figured out that it's all a lie yet?

You've got a lot of work to do, but you're not alone anymore. You're certainly welcome to come to IOP if you'd really like to get to the bottom of this and actually learn to successfully maneuver the money maze. Do your affirmations and come up with new ones just for money if you need to. I know some of you have really painful memories surrounding money. Reach out to your therapist, keep in contact with friends that can help and support you and don't forget your other new tools either. You can also always perform an RRT if a particular memory is exceptionally severe.

Whatever the amount of hard work and effort it takes, it's definitely worth it. Once you've built a strong foundation based on rejecting the money lies you learned from your abusers and learning solid information that will actually enable you to turn your financial life around, you'll know in your heart of hearts that it was worth it. But most of all YOU are worth it!! Good luck! I know you can do it!!!