Enlightened Choices Newsletter for Women's Trauma Issues - From WIIT - The Women's Institute for Incorporation Therapy - Offering women's treatment programs for acute symptoms of psychological trauma including depression, bipolar, borderline personality, child abuse, sex abuse, trauma, survivor, dissociative disorder, PTSD, multiple personality, D.I.D., ritual abuse, incest and other trauma issues.

In the course of writing an article on another topic, I kept running into the issue of loss as it's experienced in a traumatic event. The loss of self has been a major part of Incorporation Therapy theory. So, I was discussing the mechanics of Rapid Reduction Technique (RRT) and how successful a skill it has been for survivors. The RRT was designed as a safe and protective tool to assist a survivor to face their traumatic memories without reliving and being re-traumatized. RRT is an empowerment skill that a survivor can utilize to reconnect, recognize and rescue self, and restructure the memory. RRT is the act of taking back that which is lost - self.

There again, the word "lost." Even though I was focused on writing about Rapid Reduction Technique, I felt I was being given a message to say more about this topic which is so significant to survivors. The loss of self is so important, so confusing and painful. Therefore, I switched gears and headed in a different direction. Everyone who has ever listened to me speak knows and understands that I work with definitions to build a connection of commonality and greater understanding, so I looked up the definition of lost. I found some very interesting links to what happens to survivors as they suffer from what they had lost - self.

First of all, lost is the past tense of loss. The after effects of loss, just like the symptoms that occur "post" trauma (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). So in this article I am dealing with the "post" issues that surface after the initial loss.

The first definition, "unable to find one's way" was the typical and most recognized definition. The interesting commonality for survivors is that post trauma, every survivor, regardless of gender, age or race, "feels lost"; "not comfortable in their world or own skin"; and/or "different from everyone else - empty". Survivors feel as though they had traveled for a moment in time (during the trauma) to another space and upon return to their world, time had altered and betrayed them. They never felt comfortable again in their world (internal or external). A corresponding definition in the same vein is "no longer known". The pathway back to self is now overgrown and unrecognizable. The survivor is no longer able to find the correct way or the right place to go to gain relief or to retrieve self.

The second definition that I came across was "completely involved or absorbed". WOW. Survivors get completely self-absorbed. Survivors get involved in self-judgment of their behavior and cognitive patterns (the exercise keeps them away from emotions) in order to analyze any issue based on their performance or suitability. Asking the question, "What did I do wrong?" They constantly look for any pattern or behavior they can change that may help stop the pain. Addictions are considered as possible assets to link with patterns or behaviors to enhance the pattern's effectiveness against intrusive pain and hurt. What's more, survivors also get immersed in the pursuit of perfection. "If I was perfect then I would not be hurt or do wrong."

The third definition I came face to face with was "bewildered or confused". It made so much sense. Once self is hidden for protection during the traumatic event, the body feels the loss. The body becomes perplexed. The body recognizes that the state of whole self is out of balance. Doubt surrounds every thought. Confusion sets in and becomes the indicator and vehicle of that change. The brain makes a mental mindset shift. The shift can be from positive mindset (in balance) to negative mindset (out of balance).

With just the first three definitions, I found many connections were happening with more and more commonalties. These definitions were mirroring the PTSD symptoms experienced by survivors.

Then I read the fourth definition "no longer in the possession, care, or control of someone or something". Once self or the "core" (as it is commonly referred to) is safely hidden, the survivor forgets where they have hidden self, so that their abuser cannot break them down and get the "truth" of where self is. At that point, the survivor's ability to control is lost, connection with self is gone. A survivor has fears that they no longer have possession of their own self and that they can no longer take care of themselves. The ability to function becomes harder and harder. The survivor is left with emptiness.

Further down on the page I found the fifth definition "no longer in use, force, or operation". I repeated and focused the phrase "no longer in use" in my head. The more I thought about it, the more relevant it became to me. If a battery is taken out of an engine compartment, the car does not run. The car is no longer in use. When you take out self to hide for safety in reaction to an invasion by an abuser or trauma, what is left is only a shell. Self is no longer in use. How significant that is to what survivor's experience when they try to find their personality. If self "is not in use" then personality is not functioning.

That thought lead me to another definition "is unable to function; without help". Due to loss of personal authority and esteem, survivors seek other people to help them function. Without self, survivors look to other people tell them how to think, act and feel. Understand, if self "is not in use" and "does not function", then the only place to turn is to external validation.

The sixth definition and what I considered the saddest definition that I encountered was "beyond recovery or redemption: incapable of being recovered". As time goes by, the PTSD symptoms get more intense and the survivor gets older, memory of where self was hidden never comes back... Years of analyzing, interpreting and searching memories produce no results, the pain persists, and it seems that continued searching is not worth the effort, is useless. Questions constantly crop up, "possibly self is not worth it?" or, "maybe self is beyond redemption (defined as the act of delivering from sin or saving from evil)?" Survivors view the lack of redemption as a validation of their defectiveness and damage. This realization strikes at the center of what "worth" (esteem) is left in the survivor. Emptiness continues to prevail.

The seventh definition was "sentenced to terrible, irrevocable punishment: condemned". Survivors for the most part feel as though their trauma or abuse was a punishment for how they are. As I stated in the last paragraph, survivors rationalize that they are damaged or defective and that is why they were traumatized. Over time, they give up on themselves, give in to the pain and accept that their purpose in life is to be punished. They feel that what happened to them is payment for being damaged or a defective human.

The next definition was "distracted, dreaming". This cuts to the core of the gift of survival. As I have taught for years, the gift is the act of dissociating. Observers of the act of dissociating sometimes say, "It is as though the survivor is dreaming or intensely preoccupied." The gift allows a victim to enter into an altered state of consciousness, like an "awake state of dreaming" in order to live and escape overwhelming emotional pain.

The last and ninth definition I will discuss was "confused as to time or place or personal identity". Once the self or core is hidden, the shell has no personal identity. The shell behaves, feels and thinks as it is instructed from outside sources. The survivor's identity mirrors in many ways aspects of their abuser's identity. The survivor finds themself behaving, thinking or feeling like their abuser. A state of confusion becomes the rule.

As you have seen from this article on "lost", survivors are touched deeply by what they no longer have - self. The concept of lost is multi-faceted, complex. What I have found from the successes of WIIT is that there is hope. Those who lost self due to trauma can stop all the reactions I described above and take back what was lost - self. The process takes effort and commitment, but regaining self is worth it.

Working in WIIT is kind of like entering a new dimension. New lenses need to be adorned, old beliefs questioned, and a kinder, more open, tolerant and self-appreciative ambiance seems to prevail… or are these the values and beliefs that I always had, but became more hardened over the past 26 years of my career as a mental health professional? To have the opportunity to see the "refolding" process... the beauty of human nature as these women have survived despite the harshest of circumstances. To learn about their adaptations to intolerable conditions, and how despite the abuses, the soul has survived, is truly a reminder of how triumphant and miraculous the human spirit is.

I am in awe that I have the opportunity to work with such a unique and powerful program model that celebrates the intelligence, creativity and strength of the survivors we work with.

Assisting our patients to work through the scars left, the remnants of an ingrained system that is not only antiquated, but causing severe emotional havoc, assisting our patients in discovering who they really are, and watching the process may be one of the most exciting and wondrous challenges of my career.

As I embark on my own journey, I feel very honored to be a part of a program where the courage and will to survive override the pain of the emotions.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who created an internal system to cope with intolerable pain. She separated each part of her into a symbol of the skills/talents/ attributes she possessed which could help her survive. Something in her core would not allow her to die. Since there was no textbook for her to read (even if she learned to read very young) that could possibly teach her how to survive, she used her own innate intelligence, creativity, perceptions and experiences in unique ways.

She did not know that most people do not have such marvelous internal lives. She did not know it was internal. She did not even know about the other parts of self. She did not question suddenly finding herself in unfamiliar places and situations or wearing unfamiliar clothes. This not knowing and not questioning was part of her ingenious defense. She also did not know that every one of the internal wonderful and even the seemingly cruel, destructive "people" were really all doing whatever they did in order to protect her from something which was perceived as far worse.

"Someone" cut the body to distract her from the intolerable emotional pain, to put the emotional pain into a physical metaphor which others might better understand and perhaps rescue her. Or to keep from telling the secrets, "If you tell, he will kill us." "Someone" plotted her death because the plotting was less painful than thinking about the horrible things that were happening. The unspoken message: "Only death will stop the pain, and at least 'we' can have the power and control over when, where and how death occurs. It won't be so bad or painful or helpless if we do it ourselves." "Since God has abandoned you, if the pain gets intolerable you can have faith in 'me' to rescue you (through death) from the pain."

"Someone" went to school and got good grades. "Someone" acted stupid to avoid being perceived as a threat to the abuser. "Someone" ate, and "Someone" never ate.

And so on, and so on. But then came the day when it became safe and/or essential to survival for the information and/or the system to become known. So what better way than to have the path back to wholeness also be through metaphor?

Metaphors and allegories are abundant in everyday life. They are also abundant on book shelves. Let me share a few which I have found fun as well as helpful.

The Knight in Rusty Armor by Robert Fisher - A knight dedicated to rescuing damsels, even when they don't want to be rescued, begins leaving on portions of his armor until his family can't reach him. Follow his journey toward removing the armor.

The Paper Bag Princess by Robert Munsch - A princess, whose castle and belongings are burnt up by a dragon who then kidnaps her fiancé, battles the dragon in her own way before finding out who the prince really is.

The Cat in the Hat Comes Back by Dr. Seuss - A cat who makes a mess that is too hard to clean up by himself, finds help within.

The Princess Who Believed in Fairy Tales by Marcia Grad - A princess (Vicky/Victoria), who has been left by her beloved prince, journeys through self-discovery and growth, which includes being denied external rescue from drowning in her own tears.

Hope for the Butterflies by Trina Paulus - Two caterpillars, who join others ruthlessly climbing toward an unknown goal, discover each other, and question their own values. While one returns to the pillar, the other discovers a truer way.

There's No Such Thing as a Dragon by Jack Kent (Little Golden Book) - Here's a look at what happens when parents deny the truth.

The Wall: A Parable by Gloria Jay Evans - Building a wall of protection becomes too confining for the protagonist. Asking for help, taking a personal inventory, and letting go of the building blocks proves painful but rewarding.

The Hurt by Teddi Doleski - Hidden hurt grows bigger and bigger until this boy finds it hard to live with or to let go of.

Five Little Bunnies by Linda Hayward (Golden Book) - Each bunny's unique and special qualities are applauded.

Molly's Monsters by Teddy Slater - See what happens when Molly decides to take a real look at her monsters.

The Mud People by Laney MacKenna Mark - An abused child, with guidance from the Great Spirit, risks a frightening journey through self-revelation to her own worth, then returns home to help her family who still want to control and dominate.

You might also want to check out Who Moved My Cheese: An amazing way to deal with change in your work and in your life by Spencer Johnson; Hind's Feet in High Places by Hannah Hurnard; The Silver Boat by Ann Adams; The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams; Theodore and the Scary Cove by Mary Man-Kong; When I Go to Bed at Night by Susan Bassett; This Farm Is a Mess by Leslie McGuire. And I'm sure you can come up with many more.

Have fun with them as well as grow from them. Denying the human need for fun and enjoyment is trying to harness a dragon who is likely to turn around and bite the buggy driver. You might want to team up with the dragon and read it a story instead.

"To love oneself truly is to walk in the light, to live in truth, to be truly alive, and perfectly free."
~R.D. Laing

For years, perhaps for some of us it seems like an entire lifetime, we have been dreaming of freedom - Freedom from being a prisoner to our past, our abuser(s) and our biographies. Yet, just as we come to terms with the progress made in our recovery and begin to think just "maybe" this time it is different, the symptoms of our haunting past sneak up on us. Paradoxically we find ourselves in the midst of a familiar reality that used to comfort us, seeking solace in the symptoms that helped us to survive. With our minds loudly racing we set off to find the answer to two simple words - "why me?" Although we've never before been able to find the answer to our question, we can't help but to believe that during this dance with our symptoms, we will. Regardless of the intricacy of our dance, we eventually come to realize that the only response to our question, the only answer we accept is from our abuser's values, who love when we ask "silly" questions like "why me," to them.

In our pursuit of our internal light, it is not uncommon for us to grow tired, frustrated and hopeless. The search for this elusive and infamous light has led us down many paths, as we have looked for our light in many places. We visit the gallows of substance abuse, mountains of eating disorders, and the unpredictable seas of self harm. Yet no matter how much of a seasoned traveler we are, we never recover our light. Instead, we bring back souvenirs of our travels: panic, terror, rage, hopelessness, desperate loneliness and the feeling of wanting to die. And we'll continue to travel through these lightless landscapes, unless we allow ourselves to realize that the light is within us, nestled away inside with our inner children.

It is difficult to imagine a small child controlling an adult, who by all standards should be stronger and more powerful than a child. But it is the inner child who feels panic, terror, rage, hopelessness and desperate loneliness, not the adult. These inner children that we have locked away in a dark place within us have suffered quietly for many years, waiting for a loving adult to rescue them. While they wait in the silent darkness, dreaming about the nurturance and love they so desperately want, we have done our best to abandon these very small parts of ourselves. After all, what do kids know anyways? These inner children have actually been running our lives, as we unconsciously react to our current life from their emotional wounds, attitudes and old tapes of our childhood (Burney, 1995). Our inner children's emotional wounds prevent us from living our adult life being fully present or having significant and healthy adult relationships. Only through helping our inner children to heal their old emotional wounds that have been dictating our lives and keeping us from loving ourselves are we able to be present in our lives in healthy and adult appropriate ways. Healing our inner children's wounds requires the adults that we are today honoring the child's feelings, which can only occur through establishing relationships with them.

On his website, www.joy2meu.com, Robert Burney identifies ten archetypes of our inner children. This is a reproduction of Burney's list of the general types of inner child "persona" that can be present within us. Burney states that they are meant as a general guideline to help you identify some of the reacting parts of your emotional inner landscape.

"We all had our relationships with ourselves fractured into pieces as we were growing up. It is very important to start bringing some peace to our inner process by owning those inner children, hearing them as we were not heard."
~R. Burney

Inner Child Archetypes:

King/Queen Baby: The part of us that wants instant gratification - "I WANT WHAT I WANT AND I WANT IT NOW!" The King/Queen Baby is often closely allied/associated with the addict, the rebel, and/or the angry teenager. As a young child we had no discernment or perspective (the part of the brain that governs these things does not develop until around 7 - the "Age of Reason"). A small child has no concept of time (go for a long ride with a 5 or 6 year old and count how many times the little person asks "Are we there yet?") or of consequences in any type of logical way, and will eat lots of candy over and over again.
Serious Child: Almost the opposite extreme from the indulgent King/Queen Baby is the young child component in the person who never got to be a child - who had to be an adult from early age. They are very serious, over- responsible, controlling, with a very black and white/right and wrong perspective of life. This child has no idea how to relax and enjoy life - fun, playful, and frivolous are foreign concepts and shameful notions. This is a child who has to be taught how to play, and talked through letting go of the seriousness. The cowering, very wounded (inside emotionally - on the outside they usually look great, very good at keeping up appearances) child who got the message that he/she is only worthy and lovable by taking care of everyone else has a very hard time relaxing.
The Rebel: Wonderfully strong part of us that has helped us to survive - and needs to be honored and praised for that - but can get us in trouble because he/she wants to rebel against any advice or direction including good/healthy feedback, and can be very stubborn. Often is the source of "I'll show you, I'll get me" behavior.
The Romantic: Idealistic, dreamer, lover, creative part of us that is a wonderful asset when kept in balance - can lead to disastrous consequences when allowed to be in control of choices. Not good at taking responsible action, the Romantic would rather day dream about fairy tales and fantasies than deal with reality/grow up.
Deprived/Wounded/Lonely Child: Desperately needy, clingy, wants to be rescued and taken care of, doesn't want to set boundaries for fear of being abandoned - very important to own, nurture, and Love this part of ourselves because relating to this part of our self out of either extreme can be disastrous.
Child with a Broken Spirit: Emotional place within us that feels like a bottomless abyss of pain and suffering. The place within us where we just want to die. Has never felt lovable or worthy, full of shame and pain. Very often the driving force behind addictions, eating disorders, obsessive/compulsive behaviors in reaction to terror of relaxing - because stopping long enough to be present in own skin causes the abyss to open up. The "they shoot horses don't they" suffering victim within. This part of us really needs Love from the adult in us.
"Bad" Little Kid: The child who has ego-strength on the outside but very little real self-esteem so sets self up to be criticized, may use sarcasm, inappropriate humor, or prankster. The "Bad" little kid often is the leader of self sabotaging measures.
Thinking Child: The magical thinking child believes in fairy tales and is often closely allied with the romantic within. This child can also give power to magical thinking in negative terms - such as," I am really happy but if I tell anyone I am happy it will be taken away," or "I really want to recover but if I am successful it will be taken away."
Angry Child: This child wound designator is about anger. We, of course, experienced anger throughout our childhood (even if we had no permission to own it and so were in denial of it.) There are usually two different ages of the child carrying the bulk of our anger - a teenager and a younger child, usually around 5 or 6. That doesn't mean those were the only times we were angry - it is a way of identifying different types of anger energy. A teenager's anger is different from a 5-year-old's, so it is important to be able to discern between the different ages as we are building a relationship with those parts of us. The key to diffusing the anger of this child is to own the pain underneath the anger. It is often very hard to let go of the anger because it has been the shield that has protected the younger, more vulnerable child places within us. We need to own our legitimate anger and to diffuse the anger we are carrying in reaction to our own pain and shame.
Teenage female "Maiden"/ Teenage Male: The male teenager is usually the part of ourselves that is responsible for our sexuality and intimacy. In order to have a chance for healthy relationship and emotional intimacy, it is vital to stop letting the male teenager be in control of our choices in romantic relationships. The female maiden is a romantic teenager who believes in fairy tales and daydreams that "her Prince will come." This maiden is, of course, one level of the romantic within.

In the previous edition of Enlightened Choices, I stated that it is common for many of us to have the misconception that recovery is only obtained through work. While that is certainly true, there is a significant component that we lack in our recovery work: that is play. (Uggh! After recognizing that the missing component in our recovery is play, you may now better understand why WIIT's "mandatory" or "forced" fun time of recreation is so important!) Children communicate at significant levels in their "own" language of play. Play is a state of being, experiencing and creating that allows us personal freedom to explore and express ourselves without judgment or rigid expectations. Play is a drive that is innate within each of us, but has been suppressed/ repressed as a result of trauma. Through uncovering this innate drive within, and creating relationships with each of the child parts inside of us, we are able to successfully take hold of our most troubling of symptoms, including suicidal ideation. Additionally, we are able to remain present as the adult that we are today, and release the children that have been working so hard for so long from their sentences of fear and shame, while introducing and celebrating their innocence, strength and courage.

It was our unconscious that helped us to survive our pasts. In the present we can choose to reenter the unconscious to use it as a creative resource, not only for recovery, self expression and internal knowledge but also as a gateway to connecting and healing our inner children. Activities like right hand/left hand writing, painting, drawing, music, making collages and dance are all fun and exciting ways to invite the little ones inside to no longer have to carry the heavy burdens given to them by the abuser(s). The specific activities that you invite your inner children to do with you are not as important as the gesture of the process: a reaching out to the tiniest parts of ourselves to let them know that life can be better, they deserve better and that you are willing to care for and love them. Remember, you are the only adult who can rescue these children, give them a chance of living the life they always dreamed of but have never been able to find with anyone else but you.

"...once again we face a paradox, for it appears
that softening your heart and gently tending its wounds
will protect you from evil.
Building a fortress and defending yourself behind it will
only make you more vulnerable.
Healing your own heart is the single
most powerful thing you can do
to change the world.
Your own transformation will enable you to withdraw
so completely from evil
that you contribute to it by not one word, one thought, or one breath.
This healing process is like recovering your soul."
~Deepak Chopra
References:
Deepak Chopra - The Deeper Wound: Recovering the Soul from Fear and Suffering, 2001
Robert Burney - The Dance of the Wounded Souls, 1995

I've decided to move on to private practice, which gives me an opportunity to talk about transitions. We all get nervous any time we are about to make a major change in our life, be it leaving WIIT, changing jobs, or moving to the next adventure. For me leaving WIIT is bittersweet. I've met so many courageous and heroic people and I've learned so much about the human spirit. I also had a lot of luxuries that I won't have going out on my own. I never had to worry about getting my own clients, and there was always someone to ask if I wasn't sure about something. I could always bounce ideas off of Dr. Bill or Pat, and I got to work with a lot of really skilled clinicians. Just like many of you, I knew when I was ready for my next challenge and, just like many of you, I also feel kind of nervous. No steady paycheck - I'm basically unemployed until the next client shows up. That's a little nerve racking even now. While I feel nervous, I am also very excited. I know that life can get very small unless you take some healthy risks. While I have some anxiety, I also know that I learned some very important tools and skills during my time with Pat and Dr. Bill, and now it's time for me to apply my skills and knowledge in the real world. The knowledge and skills you learn in the program are only of value if you apply them in your life outside of WIIT. For most of us it's really just about allowing ourselves to take that first step, knowing we'll be OK no matter what happens.

I've also had the opportunity to work with some WIIT graduates as they make the transition to the next step. For them, life becomes less about therapy and more about everyday life. They start looking for jobs and gain more friendships outside of the recovery community. They start pursuing interests or picking up hobbies. They no longer feel that they have to figure things out - Why did this happen? How do I stay present? When will I feel better? They stop worrying about doing things perfectly and focus more on the doing part; going to work, hanging out with friends, making time for their kids. They still have ups and downs but the downs aren't as low and they don't last as long, and they use the skills often times without having to think about it. It's become habit so it's fairly automatic. If things get overwhelming and they need extra help, they go back to WIIT to brush up their skills because they don't want to stay stuck where they are. They've seen where they are heading - feeling good - and they want to get back there.

For everyone, taking the next step is a time of reflection, assessing everything that you've learned and all the progress that you've made, and feeling the sadness of letting go and the excitement of creating something new. For me I'm going to miss everyone I've had the pleasure of working with. I'm going to miss Dr. Bill and Pat, and Michele and the group, but I'm excited. It's that moment when you're standing at the edge of the cliff and your toes are dangling out there in the nothingness. It's the excitement of knowing that you have no idea how things are going to turn out but you get the opportunity to create for yourself what you want. It's that excitement of standing there knowing it requires a leap of faith. It's the ability to jump because in your heart you know how to stick the landing - to Just Do It - BIGTIME!

Christ is present, he's all around
He's in the sky and on the ground.
Echoes come from the trees
All of God's creatures have their needs.
Heaven reaches to the Earth
Awesome flowers show rebirth.

Stars shine in the evening moonlight
Trees bend and stretch with all their might.
All is well in this State Park tonight.
The chapel waits with open arms
Everyone present experiences it's charm.

People are hiking through the trails
All are informed to hold onto the rail.
RV's and tents are scattered along the way
Kids enjoy this scenery everyday.

- S.L. Strickland

Saying farewell to something well known
Is hard to so, but it shows we've grown.
It lets us see, what we are worth,
And gives us a chance at a new birth.

Thinking of all the good memories,
Makes us laugh and cry with so much ease.
Hold on to the good, and forget the rest,
Look to the future 'cause it's full of the best.

We're going to win, because we are the best,
To show the world that we can pass the test.
We'll help each other through the worst,
And then we'll shine with a glimmer ing burst.

So walk with me and hold my hand,
When you fall, I'll help you stand.
We'll guide each other and come out grinning,
Because this is the time for our new
beginning.

- Paula J. Verrett

Blue heart leaking on your floor,
Feel like I've been here before.

Dark eyes wanting, never speaks.
Wants to plug my blue heart leaks.

Parts and pieces crumble down,
Crash and splatter on the ground.

No blood left, red or blue,
Donated the last drop to you.

- J.C. 2003

To WIIT, Dr. Bill, Angie, Michelle, Pat and Cristina:

I had become bottomless despair.
The spinning top of myself had nowhere to go,
But spin down to life unfair and totally so,
To end in death, the only out.

Then God gently led me to a place called WIIT
Where I found home was really me, myself
And the lost child who only wanted to fit
In a world that had spurned her,
Quickly found her feet and stood?

The void found it's voice and cried aloud
The ghosts made way for the many who lived inside.
And I found "me" to be a crowd
Of loving selfs, embellished like a rainbow.

Now I will never again be empty and alone.
I have dug down deep to the roots
And found them strong and durable,
The seeds have been sown, of who I am
And who I will forever be,
A spirit of life, God's child and free.

- Elisha Greenwood

Play is a state of being, experiencing and creating that allows us personal freedom to explore and express ourselves without judgment or rigid expectations.

Believe in yourself, don't let the other guy bring you down,
You are the one who makes your world go 'round.
Your own strength is going to get you through,
Don't give up what you want to do.

Do all that you can to show your best,
It'll put your mind at ease and you can take a rest.
You've gone through hell and back so many times,
You know you can reach the top of those uphill climbs.

You have the strengths that no one else has, you can be sure,
Because of what you've lived, those strengths help you endure.
Take it all step-by-step,
If you do that you'll see a great new pep.

You are headed in a new direction; you show it in your smile.
Believe in that and you'll do it mile after mile,
Your strengths have helped you all along the way,
And now you can take time to laugh and play.

So I'll say it again, believe in who you are,
If you do that, you'll be a shining bright new star!

- Paula Verrett

I have recently realized that I have passed into a new phase of my life. My past is something that I have held very close for quite some time. When I was actively in recovery, it seems I told anyone who would listen, no matter how inappropriate it was at the time. When I reached a point that I made the decision to move on with my life, I took my past and tucked it away in a safe place, bringing it out rarely, only when I was with trusted friends who already knew it.

Lately, I find myself willing to share small parts of it with others who are in pain, letting them know they aren't alone or passing on ideas or techniques that I used to make it through the worst of it and that might help them. It always seem to sneak up on me when it happens, with people I would least suspect. I have to admit, there have been times that I have been around others that my experience might help and I find myself holding back, that inner voice telling me that it's just not safe to share with this person. I always have a pang of regret at not being able to help them but over the years I have learned to listen to and respect that little voice inside of me, no matter how hard it is at the time. I don't know if it's ever been wrong when I've listened to it because I haven't risked anything but I am aware how many times it has been right when I ignored it.

Sorry, back on track now. My point is that I have reached a new level where I am no longer ashamed of the scars that I wear, most of my own making. I am not saying that I run around flaunting them to the world, but if someone sees them, it doesn't throw me of balance for several days like it used to. I have also shared them with others who are in the middle of dealing with their own problems to assure them that I do know where they are at and that there is hope. People do get better. The hardest lesson in this is realizing that I can share with them but I cannot fix them. I have to let them find their own way, just like I did and make the important decisions themselves to move on to recovery. Some are, some may never do so. It's really hard not to tell them where they need to go, exactly what they need to do and their time frame for doing it. I've learned that lesson though and it does get easier. So does the acceptance of their choices. I have to admit though, when it's someone close to me, it is so much harder. Those are the ones that I want to wrap in a cocoon and protect from any more pain. They are also the ones that it's the most frustrating to watch when they choose not to take the path of recovery. All I can do at that point, however, is just watch and be ready to pick up the pieces when they're ready to rebuild them into a whole.